


Legacy

by Hayri



Category: Jrock, X JAPAN, hide with Spread Beaver
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Character Death, Domestic Violence, Explicit Language, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Original Character(s), Originally Posted on LiveJournal, POV Original Character, Pregnancy, Ratings: R, Rock Stars, Sex, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 09:43:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8367574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hayri/pseuds/Hayri
Summary: He has gone before his time...but what has he left behind?





	1. Smiling Was Something I Could Never Do Again

I'm glad that Yoshiki's house is so unnecessarily huge. It lets me be alone and allows me to wander aimlessly day and night, lost in my own thoughts. I have no idea what day it is. How long have I been walking back and forth through the empty rooms and halls like a lost spirit? Not that I'm ungrateful. After it happened, Yoshiki was kind enough to take me in and take care of me, as well as he could in his current situation. If he hadn't, I'd probably be dead too.

I used to laugh at Romeo and Juliet. How pathetic, that they died for each other. No one was worth dying for. What a ridiculous idea. But now I know. It's not ridiculous at all. Death now would be sweet. And maybe I'd get to see him again.

It's too quiet. If he were here, the house wouldn't be so still. It would be full of laughter and music, and crashing as he knocked things over in his clumsiness. If he were here, he'd scoop me up in his arms, tell me to stop being so emo, and kiss every inch of my skin he could reach until I smiled for him. But I would never be held in his arms again. Never be kissed by his lips. And smiling was something I could never do again _._

__Giggling, we stumbled through the door at some ungodly hour. Toeing off his shoes, he pulled me over to the bed. I bounced slightly as I landed on the soft mattress. He immediately attacked my lips with his, pushing me down so I was lying across the blankets._ _

 

 

_“_ _At least let me take my shoes off,” I said breathlessly. His kisses, even his drunken ones, always left me gasping for air._

_“_ _It'd be sexier if you wore them. And ONLY them,” he said, smirking._

_I laughed and pushed him off of me. “You stink like sake, Hide.”_

_“_ _So do you.” Though he had pulled back when I had shoved him off me, he quickly resumed his former position of straddling me on the bed. I tried to wiggle out of his grasp, not because I was resisting, but because he liked it when I did that._

_His kisses became harder and more urgent as he pressed me harder into the bed, exactly the reaction I wanted. In our passion, our clothes were quickly removed, and I was stroked from head to toe by talented hands, fingers calloused from countless hours of flowing across guitar strings. My exclamations of pleasure soon drove him over the edge, and he couldn't hold back anymore._

_A while later, I settled into his arms, nuzzling and kissing his bare chest. He sighed contentedly, stroking my long blonde hair that he couldn't get enough of._

_“_ _I'm going to marry you someday,” he murmured sleepily._

_“_ _Don't say things you don't mean,” I answered._

_“_ _No, I'm serious.”_

_“_ _No, you're drunk.”_

_“_ _Amanda.” He took my chin in his hands and lifted my head so I could look at him. “I really mean it. I love you. More than anything.”_

_“_ _More than rock-and-roll?” I asked, teasing._

_“_ _Yes. If it was the only way I could have you, I'd even throw away all my guitars.”_

_I stared at him, shocked. His music was his life. There's no way he was serious. I looked into his eyes, searching for a sign that he was joking. He stared back at me, his eyes soft with affection, but clear. My God. He was serious._

_Tears sprang to my eyes. “Really?”_

_“_ _Really.” He kissed me gently on the lips. “I want you by my side forever.”_

_The next day, he was dead._

 

 

Dammit, I told myself I wouldn't cry. I touch my cheek, slightly surprised. It seems impossible that I have any tears left. Wonders never cease, I guess.

I hear a shuffling and look up, wiping my eyes quickly. Yoshiki appears around the corner, holding a plate with a sandwich.

“There you are,” he says. He holds up the plate. “You should eat some breakfast.”

I glanced out of a nearby window. “What time is it?” My voice was hoarse from disuse.

“It's around 10 or so.” Yoshiki walks over to me and places his hand gently on my shoulder. “When's the last time you ate? I haven't seen you in a couple days.”

Of course he hadn't. Yoshiki spent most of his time locked in his room, blasting Hide's songs constantly. That's the main reason I wouldn't go downstairs anymore.

Yoshiki holds out the plate again, but I shake my head. “I'm not hungry.”

“You need to eat,” he says softly. Under normal circumstances, Yoshiki would be screaming at me for being so stupid, impatient with the moping girl haunting his house. But he mourned as well and so he was either more patient, or just dwelling too deep in his sorrow to care. Even when I had burned all of his towels, he didn't even bat an eye, but just held me until the tears had stopped.

“Just a little bit,” he coaxes. “I don't want you to get sick.”

Nausea wells up within me at the thought of food. Then I realize it's not just nausea. Pushing past Yoshiki, I run to the bathroom and vomit, though there isn't anything in my stomach to throw up.

Yoshiki comes up behind me as I finish and flush the toilet. “How long has this been going on?”

So he knew. He knew that I'd been puking on and off, even without eating.

“About a week or so,” I answer.

Yoshiki reaches over and places his hand on my forehead. “You're really pale,” he says. “I think you should go to the doctor. It would be horrible if you got really sick.”

I scoff. “I don't care.”

“But I do.” He bows his head. I know that his eyes are filling with tears. “I don't want to lose you, too.”

Tears fill my eyes. He is right. We're all that each other has now. I walk over to him and hug him, burying my face into his shoulder.

“Okay,” I whisper, my voice wavering. “I'll go. For you, Yoshiki.”

I sit on the examining table, waiting for the doctor. I'd just been through about an hour of tests, and was impatient to go home. This had been the longest I'd been out of the house since I had scattered my lover's ashes into the Pacific Ocean.

A knock sounds on the door, and the doctor walks in. “Hello, Miss Donivin,” he says, smiling. I just stare at him.

The doctor clears his throat and glances at his chart quickly. “Well, I have some news. At first, we weren't sure what was causing the vomiting, whether it was because of grief and stress from your recent...trauma...” he clears his throat again, “or something more serious. However, I'm pretty sure we've found the answer.”

I continue to stare, wishing he'd get on with it.

“Miss Donivin, you're pregnant.”

 

 

 


	2. It's Been Two Months

I must be sicker than I thought. I'm hearing things. Things that make no sense.

“That's impossible,” I hear myself say. Is that really my voice? It sounds so monotone and flat. “My boyfriend is dead.” My boyfriend is dead. My boyfriend is dead. My boyfriend is...

“Yes, well...” he glances around the room uncomfortably. “When did he die?”

I've kept no track of time. It felt like yesterday, but for all I knew, it could've been years ago.

 

_I woke up to the sound of knocking. Grumbling, I start to sit up, then immediately fall back down as the sunlight hits my eyes and pain shoots through my head, like I've just been hit by lightning. As much as I try to will whomever's knocking to go away, it doesn't work._

_“_ _Just a minute!” I shouted, being rewarded by another wave of agony. I roll out of bed and look for my clothes, glancing at the clock. 7:15. It was WAY too early for this shit._

_“_ _Goddammit,” I mumbled, still searching for clothes. Why the hell were they way over on the other side of the room? I smiled to myself as I remembered last night. Oh yeah. That's why. Speaking of Hide, where was he? Why wasn't he answering the door? Lazy bastard._

_Throwing on my shirt and jeans from last night, I stomped over to the door and yanked it open, ready to scream at whomever interrupted my sleep._

_It was Hide's brother, Hiroshi. I never really liked him, and now I had another reason not to. “What?” I asked shortly._

_“_ _Good morning!” he said brightly, smiling the smile he and his brother shared. Of course, on him, it was less adorable._

_I snorted in response. “What is it? I WAS sleeping.”_

_“_ _I was wondering where Hide was. We were supposed to go to Kyoto today.”_

_“_ _This early? What are you, nuts?” Hide never got up before noon at least after a hard night of partying. Where was he, anyway?_

_“_ _Well, we were gonna get an early start so we could beat traffic...” Hiroshi trailed off as he looked over my shoulder. “Where is he? Getting ready?”_

_“_ _I don't know. I woke up and he wasn't there. Probably in the bathroom or something.” I let go of the doorknob and stood aside to let Hiroshi in. “I'll go get him.” Sure enough, when I got to the bathroom, the door was closed._

_“_ _Hide, get your ass out of there. Hiroshi's here,” I called through the door. But he didn't answer me. Maybe he gone to the bathroom last night to puke or something and passed out. Wouldn't be the first time._

_“_ _Did he pass out again? Wow,” Hiroshi chuckled and shook his head._

_I knocked sharply on the door. “Hide, wake up.”_

_Nothing._

_I huffed loudly, irritated. “Come on, Hide. This isn't funny. Get Hiroshi out of here so I can get back to sleep.”_

_Silence._

_I grabbed the doorknob, starting to feel worried. Maybe he had hit his head and was unconscious?_

_“_ _Hide, come on! Open up!” I grabbed the doorknob. It seemed heavier than usual. I tried to push the door open, but it wouldn't move. Something was blocking it._

_Panicking now, I shoved at the door with my shoulder, putting all my strength behind it. It opened just enough for me to squeeze through, and I threw myself inside, tripping over whatever was blocking the door._

_I turned my head to look. And started to scream._

_My lover, my everything, my crazy happy little rock star, my pink spider, the light of my life, my Hide, was slumped against the door, a white towel around his neck and hanging from the doorknob. His face was puffy and a nasty purplish-blue color, his tongue protruded from his mouth, also a dark purplish color. His eyes were at half-mast, but also bulging from their sockets, like they were about to pop out. His neck was bent at such a nauseating angle. No human could bend like that._

_“_ _HIDE!” Still screaming, I jumped up and ran to the door, attacking the knot around the doorknob. I tried to untie it, but my fingers kept slipping on the brass, and the knot was so tight I couldn't pry it apart. How hard did he pull?_

_Hiroshi had pushed himself in, shouted “SHIT!”, and pulled out his pocket knife, cutting the towel down. Hide fell sideways to the floor with a heavy thump._

_“_ _No, Hide, nononononono, oh God, NO!” Blinded by tears, I tried to pry off the noose from around his neck. His neck, that gorgeous long neck that just last night I had covered in kisses and love bites, was bright red from the abrasion of the towel. I could see marks in his skin that matched the rough fabric, and tiny scratches where his nails had cut as he struggled to release himself. I finally got the towel loose, and whipped it off of him to reveal an ugly, bruised ring of skin._

_I dragged Hide away from the door and cradled his head against my chest. My tears fell into that bright shock of pink hair as I bent over him, rocking back and forth, calling his name over and over. He couldn't be dead. He couldn't be. The world wasn't cruel enough to take him from me._

_Hiroshi came back in the room with two strangers, who came over and started to take Hide from my arms. I clung tightly to him and shook my head furiously, repeating his name like some strange mantra. One of them tried to pry my fingers from him, but I jerked away and dug my nails into his arms. They'd have to kill me before I let go._

_Hiroshi, that traitorous bastard, helped the first guy hold back my arms, while the other pulled Hide away and started to take him out the door. I screamed, reaching out for my lover, trying to scramble to my feet to run after them. I was the one who always took care of him when he drank too much. Didn't they know that? I was the only one who could make him well again. He had told me so once._

_Hiroshi was saying something, but I couldn't hear. All sound was gone, and my whole world narrowed down to Hide, lifeless in that man's arms, disappearing from the room. As he disappeared, so did the light, and I was left in total darkness._

 

“Miss Donovin? Are you alright?”

I snap back to reality. My vision is blurry and my cheeks are wet again. “What's the date?” I snap, sniffing loudly.

He jumps a little, as if not expecting me to speak. “I'm sorry?”

“The date? What's the date?”

“July 6th.”

“Two months...it's been two months...” I mumble to myself. Had it really been that long? Time had stopped for me.

“That makes sense, then. We'd have to do more tests, but I'd guess you're about two months along.”

The room suddenly starts spinning, and I fall to the floor with a loud crash. I can hear the doctor calling my name, but it sounds like he's a million miles away.

“Miss Donovin? Miss Donovin! Nurse! Come quick!”

Dammit, my name shouldn't Miss Donovin. It should be Mrs. Matsumoto. He promised it would be.

 


	3. I Don't Want to Remember Him

_“Oh man...look at the freaks who just walked in."_

_I turned to look over my shoulder, scanning the small crowd of people who just came through the door. "What are you talking about?"_

_"Those guys with the weird hair."_

_"Why do you care, Kayla?" said Jenn, who was sitting next to me. "People like that come in here all the time."_

 

_Jenn, Kayla, Vicki, and I were at our favorite bar, The Frolic Room. It was one of the greatest bars in town, but not too well-known, so it was never too crowded. The Frolic Room tried to be a dance club, complete with dance floor, laser light shows, and techno music, but the only people who really danced were the ones who got wasted off their asses. The atmosphere was pretty chill, though, and we came at least twice a week, if not more._

_"But not lately. I thought they had all been driven away by the techno music," Kayla said, taking a sip of her drink._

_I turned and looked again. Five guys had walked in and sat at the bar, each one sporting a different hairstyle. Two had mohawks, one blond, one black, one had dark green dreads, and one had zig-zags cut into his buzzed hair. But the last one was the one that caught my eye._

_"I like the pink hair. That's cool," I said._

_"Well, of course YOU'D think it's cool," Kayla said, pointedly eyeing my spiked leather jacket. "That's your scene, isn't it?"_

_I frowned. Sure, I was a bit of a metalhead, but she didn't have to say it like it was something horrible. I leaned over to Vicki, who was sitting on my other side._

_"Tell me, why do we hang out with this bitch again?"_

_Vicki shrugged. "I don't know. Because she knows where to get good weed?"_

_I rolled my eyes. "Well, that's why YOU do." Sighing, I stood up. "Well, I'm going to go tell him I like his hair."_

_"You're wasting your time, Amanda," Jenn said as I turned away. "With that hair color, he's probably a fag."_

_Ignoring her, I walked towards the bar and slid onto the empty seat next to the pink-haired guy, who was turned away from me and talking to the guy with green dreads. I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, nice hair."_

_He jumped a little and turned to look at me, then his face broke out into a smile. "Thank you." He looked at me for a second, then said, "Yours isn't bad either. It's a nice color."_

_I looked down at my lap, suddenly embarrassed. Tugging on a piece of my hair, I muttered, "Not really. Same old, same old. Straight and blond." I glanced up again shyly._

_What was wrong with me? I've never been nervous around a guy before. My friends were always telling me how they were jealous of my ease when it came to being around guys. What was so different this time?_

_Maybe I was just shocked at his appearance. Yeah, that was it. I mean, he was so...beautiful. And it was a strange sort of beauty; not quite masculine, not quite feminine. His eyes were slightly slanted, giving away that he was Asian (and with that accent, obviously a native one), and the grey eyeshadow and eyeliner he wore only enhanced their exoticness. He had high, prominent cheekbones, which gave his face a slightly chiseled look. His nose was straight and the just the right size for his face, and his lips were a little pouty, but not too much. But I wasn't paying too much attention to the rest of him. I was too occupied with his eyes. I had been talking to him for less than a minute, and I was already drowning in them._

_Fighting the urge to look away again, I said, "Well, I've always wanted to dye it, but I'm afraid it'll just come out looking horrible." Calm down, Amanda. Don't look act like a stupid little girl, blushing and giggling. It's just a guy._

_"You'll just have to find the right color," he said. "Everyone can look good with dyed hair, they just have to use the right color. I didn't always have pink hair, but I tried it one time and it looked good on me, so it kind of became my thing." He glanced at my hair again. "But whatever color you use, it'll come out really vibrant and bright, because of how your hair is. And you won't have to use bleach, either." He stuck out his hand. "Sorry, I didn't catch your name."_

_I grasped his hand and shook it. "I'm Amanda." His hand was warm and calloused, and it felt nice to hold it. I was a little disappointed when he let go._

_"Nice to meet you, Amanda. My name is Hide."_

_I smiled. Cool name. "So, Hide, where are you from?"_

_He laughed. "It's that obvious, huh? No matter how much English I learn, I guess I'll never lose the accent." He took a swig of his beer, then said, "I'm from Japan."_

_"Cool. What are you doing in L.A.?"_

_"Working, mostly."_

_"What do you do?"_

_"I'm in a band."_

_"Really? What kind of music do you play?" Though it was already obvious, from his appearance._

_Hide grinned and flashed the devil's horns. "Rock all the way, baby."_

_I laughed. This was my kind of guy. "Awesome! I'd love to hear you play sometime."_

_"You can. I probably have a CD in the car-"_

_"You already have a CD?" If his band already had a CD out, why have I never seen him before? I knew pretty much every rock band around, even the local ones._

_"Yeah. I don't mean to brag, but in Japan, I'm kind of a big deal." He flashed that grin at me again, the one that lit up his whole face and set butterflies loose in my stomach. "No one knows me around here, though. Which is a nice change."_

_"Why, do you get chased by crazy groupies or something?" I asked, thinking of those insane girls I've seen at rock concerts._

_"You have no idea," Hide said, rolling his eyes. "I get at least 20 marriage proposals a week in the mail. I'm probably engaged to half of Japan by now. I can't even go out without having to cover up my hair, which sucks, especially in the summer."_

_I laughed again. "Sounds tough."_

_"Yeah, but it's worth it." Hide glanced over my shoulder. "I'd love to buy you a drink, but it looks like your friends are leaving."_

_I turned, and sure enough, the girls were standing up and putting on jackets. Kayla was giving me a death glare, waving her arm frantically to get me to come over._

_"Too bad," Hide said as I turned back. "I'd like to talk to you some more."_

_Without thinking, I grabbed a pen out of my jacket pocket. Pulling a napkin over to me, I scribbled down my phone number and handed the napkin to Hide._

_"Here. Call me the next time you play, so I can come see you."_

_Hide looked surprised, then took the napkin, carefully tucking it into his pocket. "Sure. See you later, Amanda."_

_"Bye." With a wave and a smile, I quickly walked to my friends, who were waiting somewhat impatiently for me by the door. As we walked out, I turned and looked back to see Hide holding the napkin in his hand, staring intently at it._

 

"Amanda...Amanda...can you hear me?"

My eyelids feel like they weigh a hundred pounds each, but I manage to open them. Yoshiki's face slowly comes into focus above me.

"Yoshiki? What are you doing here?" I try to sit up, but he puts his hand on my shoulder, holding me down.

"No, don't move. You need to rest. They called me and told me you passed out. You put my number as the emergency contact on your form."

I feel a sharp pain in my left arm and look down at it. A tube is stuck in my wrist.

Yoshiki follows my eyes. "They said you were malnourished. I knew you haven't been eating."

"That's not why I was sick," I say. "It's because I'm..." I realize I can't say it.

Yoshiki's face turns even more graver, if that's even possible. "I know. They told me. You're pregnant."

I look down at my stomach, which is flat as it's ever been and covered with a blue hospital gown. I can't believe there's a child in there. Hide's child.

I shake my head. "There has to be some mistake. I can't be pregnant."

Yoshiki sits on my bed. "Well, did you use protection the last time?"

"We were drunk. I don't remember!" I say, exasperated. The last thing I want to think about was sex with Hide. Too many memories of things I'd never feel again.

"Which means no," Yoshiki says. "And the numbers add up."

"But it can't be true," I insist. "Even though God hated me enough to take Hide away, he can't hate me enough to pull this shit on me."

Yoshiki stares at me, confused. "What are you talking about? You have the greatest gift of all. Hide's..." he swallows hard-"gone, but you have his baby."

"That's the whole point!" I shout. "If I have Hide's baby, I'll never be rid of him! Every time I look at the child, all I'll see is him! All I'll think about is him! He'll haunt me forever! And it'll drive me insane!"

Yoshiki grabs my hand. "Amanda, don't you want to remember him?"

I pull my hand away. "No!" There. Finally I've said it. "I don't want to remember him. If I forget about him, then I won't hurt anymore."

As I say this, I know it's impossible. I can never forget him, and part of me still doesn't want to. But maybe if I try hard enough, I can block him out of every waking thought, and out of my dreams, and I could try to live my life without him. Which also seems impossible.

Yoshiki stares at me, shocked. "You don't mean that, Amanda. You're just tired, and upset. You don't really mean that. You can't."

I glare at Yoshiki with the most piercing stare I can manage. "I won't have Hide's baby, Yoshiki. I won't."

 


	4. I Had Never Heard a Voice Quite Like His

_I picked up the newly developed photograph with tongs, gently shaking it so it wouldn't drip water all over the place. I hung it up on the clothesline strung across my darkroom. I was finally finished developing one of my more boring assignments. Twenty pictures of apple orchards for some home and garden magazine. Not my favorite subject. Oh well, it puts food on the table, right?_

_Metallica's latest album was blasting in the stereo next to me. Have you ever noticed how work, especially if it's boring work, goes faster if good music is playing? Not that I'm complaining. I had been a free-lance photographer for about seven years now, and I loved every second of it. There's something amazing about freezing a moment in time and transferring it to paper to be kept forever. Sure, it didn't pay much, but it was enough so I didn't starve to death and could get an apartment that wasn't infested with cockroaches._

_As the song faded, I noticed that the phone was ringing. I left my darkroom, closing the door quickly behind me so the pictures wouldn't be exposed to light and across the kitchen to pick up the phone hanging next to the wall._

_"Hello?"_

_"Oh good, you're home. I was starting to think you were out or something." He didn't have to say who it was for me to know. The accent revealed everything._

_"Hi, Hide. Sorry, I was working and didn't hear the phone." I could feel a smile crawling across my face and my heartbeat sped up. God, what a dork I was._

_"I didn't interrupt you, did I?"  
"No, it's all good. I was done anyway."_

_"Oh. Well, you know how you wanted me to call you if my band was playing?"_

_"Hmmm..." I pretended to think. "I seem to vaguely remember saying that."_

_Hide laughed. "Well, we don't have an official gig or anything, but we're getting together to practice later. You want to come watch?"_

_"I'd love to."_

_"Great!" Hide proceeded to give me directions to where they were going to practice. From what I could tell, it sounded like it was about half an hour away from my place._

_"When do you want me to show up?"_

_"Any time that's good for you. We usually end up just sitting around doing nothing for at least an hour anyway before we even start."_

_"Okay. Give me about....an hour or so. In case traffic's bad or something."_

_"Alright. See you, then."_

_After we hung up, I looked down at myself. I was wearing a red long-sleeved tee with tiny skulls-and-crossbones scattered all over it, which was cut to bare one shoulder, and faded jeans with a large rip across one of my thighs (which I admit to purposely ripping). Then I cursed myself for wondering whether these clothes were good enough. Of course they were. It's not like I was going anywhere fancy. And since when did I care what I wore?_

_I quickly ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth before grabbing my keys and heading out the door, slipping on a pair of black sandals as I went._

_My apartment was in the basement of an old colonial house, so my front door was buried into the ground at the bottom of a set of concrete stairs. I thought that was pretty cool, and the outside entrance was one of the main reasons I had bought the apartment in the first place._

_I walked to my car, a blue '91 Audi Quattro, and got in. An old cassette tape of MC Hammer was sticking out of the stereo, which I pushed in as I started the car and pulled out of the space. I may prefer rock music, but hip-hop is the only music to drive to; the heavier the bass, the better. Who doesn't like to turn their car into their own personal boombox?_

 

_Forty minutes later, I turned onto a narrow suburban street. Hide's directions, which I had been checking constantly throughout the drive, had led me to the outskirts of L.A. According to them, my destination was the fifth house on the left._

_I pulled up to a white ranch-style house and parked on the street in front of the mailbox, since the driveway was already filled with cars. I got out, not bothering to lock my car (who'd steal it, anyway?) and maneuvered around the cars to get to the door. How they fit all those cars into the tiny driveway I had no idea._

_I rang the bell and waited, looking around at the street. It seemed like a nice enough neighborhood, a typical suburban setting. It was a nice, sunny day, filled with typical late spring noises: lawn mowers running, kids shouting, a dog barking._

_I heard a click and turned to see the front door opening, and Hide was revealed to me. His face lit up when he saw me._

_"You made it!" he said, ushering me in. "I was afraid my directions were a little confusing."_

_"No, it was fine. I didn't get lost once," I said._

_"Great. Well, come on down and meet the guys."_

_Hide started to lead me through the house, which was a typical bachelor pad. Old, mismatched furniture, dishes in the kitchen sink, a lack of decorations adorning the walls. When we walked by the bathroom the door was open and I saw that the toilet seat was up. Yep, a man definitely lived here._

_"Is this your place?" I asked as he led me to a closed door._

_"Nope. It's Ray's house. You'll meet him in a minute." Hide opened the door, where a flight of unfinished wooden stairs lay. He started walking down, shouting, "She's here!"_

_A chorus of male voices shouted their approval, and I followed Hide down the stairs._

_Most of the basement was taken up by a complete band set: set of drums, microphone stands, guitars, speakers. The little space left was filled by an old green couch that looked like it would collapse at any minute. Among the equipment stood four men, who I recognized as the four other guys who were with Hide in the bar the night we met._

_Hide introduced them to me, pointing to each in turn._

_"This is Paul-"_

_"Yo!" Paul was the one with the blond mohawk, and now that I saw his face, a goatee. He had a dark green bass guitar slung around his neck and a can of beer in his hand, which he raised to me in greeting._

_"Steve-"_

_"How you doin'?" Steve, the other mohawk guy, gave me a quick look-over. I became overly conscious of my bare shoulder, and regretted not changing my shirt before I came._

_"Ray-"_

_This was the guy with the buzz-cut, who looked up and nodded before bending over his guitar and continuing to adjust the strings._

_"And Joey."_

_"What's up?" The drummer, the one with the green dreads, waved at me from where he was seated behind his drums._

_"Guys, this is Amanda. Do you remember her from that bar last week?"_

_"Dude, I don't even remember what I had for lunch today," Paul said, finishing off his beer. I was surprised to hear a British accent._

_"She was that smoking hot blond talking to you, right?" Steve said, staring at me. I raised an eyebrow at him and met his stare until he looked away._

_"Um..." Hide glanced at me, uncomfortable._

_"Now that she's here, can we get going? I gotta be somewhere later," Joey impatiently fiddled with his drumsticks._

_"Bullshit," Hide said, walking over to stand behind a microphone. "You never do anything."_

_Joey flipped Hide the bird, but laughed._

_I sat gingerly on the edge of the couch, but it held. Apparently it was sturdier than it looked, though it smelled like many beers had been spilled on it throughout its life. Ew._

_Hide adjusted his microphone, then looked around the room. "Are you guys ready?" His glance fell on me as he spoke._

_I nodded. "Whenever you are."_

_"Okay guys. We're doing 'Doubt', okay?"_

_"Got it!" the other men said together. Joey counted off the beat with his sticks, and they began to play._

_The acoustics in the basement were pretty terrible, plus there was so much noise in such a small space, that I was hit by a wall of sound. Luckily, I've been to more than a few rock concerts in my life, so it wasn't nearly as overwhelming as it could've been. Unfortunately, it was really hard to hear the individual instruments. All I could really tell was that is was fast and hard. But when Hide started singing, I forgot all about the music._

_How can I describe his voice? It was nasally, but not in that irritating mosquito-buzz way; there was a smoothness to it that negated that. It was high-pitched, but powerful. His accent made the lyrics sort of meld together, so they weren't just words, they were music unto themselves. I couldn't even really tell if he was singing in English. What I was certain of was that I had never heard a voice quite like his._

_When the song ended, the last chord echoed around the room for a moment before fading. My ears were ringing._

_"So," Hide said, looking at me expectantly. "What did you think?"_

_I said nothing, just continued staring at him, my mouth slightly open._

_Paul shook his head. "She thinks we suck, man."_

_I blinked at his words and came back to myself. "No, I don't! That was really good! It's just..." I scrambled for an excuse for my reaction. "Just that the acoustics in here are kind of weird, so it's hard to fully hear the song, you know? But what I could hear was great."_

_The guys beamed, but Hide was frowning._

_"Something isn't quite right with it, though," he said. "Ray, give me your guitar."_

_Ray took the guitar from around his neck and handed it to Hide, who walked over and sat on a speaker and started to play the song they had just performed. His head was cocked slightly to one side, listening. He played the first few chords of the song, then stopped, muttering to himself. He started to play again, but this time the notes were slightly higher. Then he stopped again, started again._

_The other guys were ignoring him. Paul had popped open another beer, and Ray had walked around behind the drums to talk to Joey. Steve was staring at me, but I ignored him, my attention entirely focused on Hide. He seemed completely unaware of what was going on around him, the guitar attracting his complete attention. A bomb could've gone off in the basement and he wouldn't have noticed. It was fascinating to watch._

_After a few minutes, Hide stopped playing and stood up. " I got it. Let's do it again, but a little bit slower. Like this." Hide started to play that same piece of music, but slightly slower. He then handed back the guitar to Ray and walked back to his position behind the microphone. "Try playing a little softer, too, so we don't get so much of an echo."_

_Joey counted the beat again, matching the tempo to what Hide had played for them, and they started again. Since they played softer, it was easier to pick out the individual guitars, and I found myself smiling as I listened. It sounded a lot better, and just from that small change in tempo. How Hide had known that that a slower tempo would do the trick was beyond me, but then again, he was the musician._

_When the song ended, I clapped enthusiastically. "That was awesome, guys! So much better!"_

_"Alright, we got a fan!" Paul shouted, giving me a thumbs-up._

_"I agree. It does sound a lot better," Ray said._

_"Let's do it again," Hide said, all business. But he smiled at me as they started, and I couldn't help but smile back._

_The guys played for about an hour more. After playing through "Doubt" twice more, they had started on a song that they were currently working on, which meant a lot of starting and stopping and discussion of notes and beats and such, all of which flew right over my head. Hide was focused the whole time, getting annoyed quickly when Paul kept fooling around. I could see he was very serious about his music, and that the others respected him a lot, since they did whatever he said without question._

 

_After a while, Joey said he really needed to leave, and practice was over. Hide handed him some sheets of music as he left, asking him to look over and memorize them. He also gave sheets to the other three guys, who were standing together talking._

_Hide came over to me. "I need a cigarette. Want to come with me?" He stretched out his hand towards me._

_I didn't smoke, but how could I refuse? I took his hand and he helped me up, then started to lead me up the stairs. We ended up on the back porch, looking out over Ray's small backyard._

_"So, what did you think?" Hide asked me, lighting the cigarette that was hanging between his lips. He offered me the pack, which I refused with a shake of my head._

_"Well, to be honest, I can't really give you an opinion yet," I said._

_Hide's hopeful face fell slightly. "Oh."_

_"Not that I thought you guys were bad," I said quickly. "It's just that-" I paused, wondering if I should be honest. Well, if there's one thing I hated, it was a liar, and I couldn't lie to him. "I...I wasn't paying attention to the music, at least not as much as I should've been."_

_Hide gave me a quizzical look._

_"I was too distracted by you." I blurted out. " I mean, your vocals were...amazing. Your voice was something I've never heard before, and it just blew me away. You were really, really...good." I finished lamely._

_Hide laughed. "My voice is nothing special."_

_"No, it is," I insisted. "It's just so...right. It fits your music perfectly. It just works so completely. And your accent just made it that much cooler-" I broke off, embarrassed by my gushing. Now I probably sounded like one of his crazy groupies._

_Hide just looked at me, blowing smoke out of his mouth. "Well, even though I don't agree, thank you for saying so."_

_I looked away, feeling my cheeks burn. I felt totally awkward, like a middle-school girl trying to impress her crush. Wait, where did that simile come from?_

_Hide finished his cigarette in silence. Though I wanted to, I couldn't bring myself to look at him again._

_"Hey guys, are you hungry? We were going to make a burger run." Paul had come out on the porch._

_I smiled at him, grateful to him for breaking the awkward silence. "Starving."_

_"As long as it's not McDonald's, I'm in," Hide said, walking past Paul and back into the house._

_"Um...I didn't interrupt anything, did I?" Paul asked me._

_"No...why?"_

_Paul looked at me, confused. "Didn't you see the way he was looking at you?"_

 

_We ended up at a local burger place. The guys were all talking animatedly over their plates, but I was quiet, pretending to be really interested in my burger. I kept going over what Paul had said. What had Hide been looking at me like?_

_Keeping my head down, I surreptitiously looked up at Hide. He and Steve were fighting over a salt shaker, trying to over-salt each other's fries. Acting like typical guys. But with Hide, it seemed less lame then with anyone else. Which was completely ridiculous, of course. Why would Hide acting like a complete idiot be any less stupid? Despite that, I couldn't help smiling as I watched him._

_Hide let out a shout of triumph as the top of the salt shaker fell off, dumping salt all over Steve's plate._

_"Fucker!" Steve shouted._

_"Open up!" Hide said, picking up a now salt-covered fry and shoving it towards Steve's face. Steve slapped at his hand, grabbing another fry and trying to shove it in Hide's laughing mouth._

_Everyone was laughing, and I couldn't help but join in. The sound of my laughter made Hide look at me, and Steve took the opportunity to stick the fry in his mouth. Hide spluttered and spit it out unceremoniously onto his plate._

_"Nasty!" he said, pulling a face._

 

_Since we had all shared a laugh together, the atmosphere in the car on the way back to Ray's house was a lot more relaxed, and the guys had an easier time bringing me into the conversation. They were all impressed when I revealed to them that I was a photographer._

_"That's sounds like fun," Ray said, looking into the rearview mirror at me. "More than my job. I work at a car dealership."_

_"Ray lies for a living," Paul said._

_"I do not! I'm probably the only honest car salesman out there...which is probably why I don't sell too many cars."_

_I laughed. "Aw, poor thing."_

_"Hey, maybe she could be our official photographer when we hit it big," Steve said from his seat next to me. I was not happy with the seating arrangement, as he had taken the opportunity to sit as close to me as possible, pressing our thighs together. I would've scooted over if there was room, but Paul was on my other side. "Because we totally will, right Hide?"_

_"Of course," Hide said from the front seat. "You've got me as your front man."_

_reached over and punched him in the shoulder. "Not arrogant at all, this one."_

_"Anyway," Hide continued, ignoring Steve."I could never be a photographer. I tend to break every camera I touch. I prefer posing for pictures."_

_Paul turned to me. "This guy's under the impression that he's good-looking."_

_I cleared my throat. He wasn't the only one who thought that._

_"Shut up, Paul." Hide said. "Or next time I'll mix hair remover into your hair dye."_

_"Good, I need a new haircut. This mohawk is starting to annoy me." Paul touched his hair._

_"What, Hide did your hair?" I asked._

_"Yeah, he did all of ours," Steve said. "Because he's a-" Steve put on a high voice. "beautician."_

_"That's it, Steve, no more free hairstylings for you!" Hide turned his head to look at me. "I have a license, but I'm not practicing. I need to make sure I don't lose my skills, though. And don't you dare say that I'm gay," Hide added, pointing at Paul, who had opened his mouth. "Just because I can do hair and makeup doesn't mean I'm gay. It was very useful in my old band."_

_"You should see the pictures," Ray said. "Their hair was INSANE."_

_"We gave all your little 'hair metal' bands a run for their money," Hide said, laughing. "I'll have to show you sometime, Amanda."_

_" I still think your hair was made out of cardboard," Paul said._

_The image of cardboard hair was pretty amusing. I laughed as we pulled into Ray's driveway._

_As I got out of the car, I noticed that the sun had started to sink into the west, turning orange. It was later than I thought._

_"This has been fun, you guys, but I got to go. I have to deliver my pictures early tomorrow."_

_"NOOOO!!" Paul fell to the ground, pretending to be overwhelmed with grief._

_I laughed. "Dude, I totally need to get drunk with you sometime."_

_"Hell yeah!" Paul jumped up. "You definitely need to go drinking with us."_

_"Amanda, before you go, I have something for you," Hide said. He walked over to Paul' scar and opened the door, taking something from the front seat. He came back and I saw that he held two CDs._

_"I told you I had CDs." He handed them to me. "This one is Dahlia, the last CD my old band X Japan made," he said, pointing to the CD that pictured some guy sitting in the street on a pile of flowers. "And this is one with just me. I'm the vocalist on that."_

_I looked at the CD. It was titled "Hide Your Face" and had a picture of a man with a spiked mask covering his entire face, except for one eye. I was guessing that was Hide._

_"'Hide Your Face', huh?" I said, looking up at him. "Clever."_

_"I thought so," Hide said._

_"Well thanks," I said. "I'll be sure to listen to them." I looked around and noticed that the others had disappeared into the house, leaving the two of us alone in the driveway._

_Gathering the courage I had been building up since dinner, I said, "Hide, have you ever been to a drive-in?"_

_"What's a drive-in?"_

_"I guess that answers my question. A drive-in is a movie theater, but it's outside and you sit in your car."_

_"That's weird," Hide said. "But sounds like fun."_

_"Wanna go sometime?"_

_Hide looked at me, an unreadable expression on his face, then he smiled. "Sure. But it'd have to be your car. I don't have one."_

_"That's fine. I'll find out what's playing next time I'm free, then I'll call you."_

 

_As soon as I got home, I popped 'Hide Your Face' into the stereo and stretched out onto my bed. I sighed and closed my eyes, letting the music wash over me. It didn't matter that the lyrics were in Japanese and I had no idea what he was saying. Hearing Hide's voice made a warm, tingly feeling spread slowly over my body, a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time, which was odd. I had never felt this way just from listening to someone before..._

_My eyes popped open. My God. I loved him. I was totally in love with Hide._

 

I'm sitting in Yoshiki's kitchen, a bowl of half-eaten cereal in front of me. I don't want to eat, but Yoshiki's forcing me to. In fact, he's standing on the other side of the kitchen island, hands pressed against the cool black marble of the countertop, glaring at me. If you've ever been on the receiving end of one of Yoshiki's death glares, you'd understand why I was eating against my will.

He was not happy with me, basically because I had caused a scene at the hospital. When the doctor had come in, I had told him that I wanted an abortion. Like Yoshiki, he had been shocked, and tried to convince me that I was just tired and ill, and didn't know what I was saying. Which is bullshit. I was completely aware of what I was saying and what I wanted.

Then the doctor tried to change my mind by taking the morality route, talking about how abortion was murder, and how I would be denying a human being a chance at life, and blah blah blah. That just pissed me off more, and I had started shouting about how it was my body, and it was me carrying the baby, not anyone else, so it was my decision of what to do with it. Then the doctor had said that they didn't do abortions at the hospital anyway unless it was a medical emergency. I asked him to tell me who did, but he wouldn't, claiming he didn't know of any abortion clinics. Which was also complete bullshit.

Since I hate liars, I started screaming, saying I would just do it myself, and I had tried to get up and leave. Yoshiki had held me down, but as strong as he was, my anger made me stronger, and I had shoved him off of me, ripping my IV out of my arm in the process (which hurt like hell). The doctor was also shouting, threatening to sedate me unless I calmed down, and three nurses had magically appeared to grab me and try to steer me back to the bed. I knew that the threat of sedation was probably empty, because they probably didn't want to risk hurting the baby, so it didn't calm me down at all.

I had kept struggling until Yoshiki, who had backed off once I shoved him, came forward and slapped me hard across the face. Not as hard as he could've, thank God. The strength in his arms that was a product of years of drumming would probably have spun my head completely around if he had. But it was enough to stun me into silence and let the nurses sit me back down again.

Once I had calmed down, the doctor and Yoshiki went out into the hallway together. When they had come back, the doctor told me I could go home, as long as I promised to think it over very,  _very_ carefully before I went through with an abortion. I lied and said that I would (I know, I'm a hypocrite), but I don't think he believed me, because he told me that Yoshiki had promised to keep an eye on me, and if it wasn't for him, I would be staying overnight in the hospital.

I kind of wish I was back in the hospital now, though, because then I wouldn't be sitting here being glared at like a naughty child. It was really getting on my nerves, which were already stretched really thin under all the stress I had been through today.

"Yoshiki, quit it," I say. "I don't think this is what the doctor had in mind when he said to keep an eye on me."

He says nothing, just keeps staring at me.

Frustrated, I slam my spoon down on the counter with a clang. "Goddammit, Yoshiki! Stop it! You're freaking me out!"

"Good," he says softly. His voice had that dangerous tone that, no matter how softly he spoke, you'd hear every word. "Maybe you'll listen to me then."

I push the bowl away from me, folding my arms across my chest. "You're not going to make me change my mind, Yoshiki."

"Probably not," he answers. "I know you're stubborn. But I didn't get to where I am now by yielding to anyone, either."

"It's none of your business, anyway. It's my baby, not yours."

"It's not just yours. It's Hide's, too."

"Hide's dead, Yoshiki. He can't really lay claim to anything, can he?" It stung me to say it, but in my anger I don't really care.

Usually my bringing up the fact that Hide was dead would stop him in his tracks, tears filling his eyes. But the fact that I now carried Hide's baby had changed his attitude. He was coming back to himself, at least a little bit. He was turning back into the Yoshiki I knew, a hard, stubborn motherfucker. He didn't react to what I had just said, just shrugged it off.

"I'm not just doing this for him, I'm doing it for you," he says. "If you get rid of the baby, you're going to regret it."

"How do you know? How do you know what I would or wouldn't regret? If you want the baby so much, why don't  _you_ have it?" Did I really just say that? How stupid.

I wait for Yoshiki to say something along the lines of 'I would if I could', but thankfully, he's not  _that_ weird.

Yoshiki sighs. "Really? That's all you have to say?" He shakes his head, giving me a look that clearly said he thought I was an idiot.

I can feel my face heat up as I get angry. I need to say something, anything to wipe that look from his face. I need to crush him and make him cry. There's no way he's getting the last word.

"Why do you care so much? Why do you want me to have this baby? Do you want to raise the kid to be just like him, so it's like he was never gone?" I know I'm just making shit up as I go, but I want to get a rise out of him. "What, were you in love with Hide or something?"

That does the trick. Yoshiki's eyes widen, and a look of shock comes over him. I smile coldly, glad to have gotten through.

He turns and starts walking away, but I want one last jab. I want someone else to share my pain.

"That's too bad, isn't it? Because he never loved you."

Yoshiki spins around and, before I can blink, is grabbing tightly onto my upper arms, his face inches from mine, teeth bared in anger.

"You want to hit me?" I say, that cold smile still on my face. "Go ahead. But aim for my stomach. Maybe I'll miscarry."

His eyes flash in anger, and for a second I think he actually is going to strike out. But then his eyes soften a little, and start to sparkle as tears fill them. He roughly lets go of me, shoving me a little in his effort to get away from me, and practically runs to the kitchen door.

"Cold-hearted bitch," he manages to choke out, then goes into the dark hallway, vanishing from my sight.

I slump back down onto the stool I had been sitting on. I had won, but my victory had left me feeling worse, not better.

 

That night, as I have been every night since the 2nd of May, I had a nightmare. This one was different from the usual ones, in which Hide's death replays over and over again, or the one where he was still alive in his coffin, scrambling to get out before it's engulfed in flames at the crematorium (that one had been featured ever since I had found out that Hide was still alive as I held him in my arms that night, and didn't really die until he reached the hospital). No, this one was different, and I attribute it to my new knowledge of my pregnancy.

In this dream, I'm strapped in a hospital bed, my stomach huge with child. My legs are up in stirrups. Obviously I'm about to give birth. My body is overwhelmed with pain, and I'm straining to get the baby out of me. Sweat is pouring down my face, my hair drenched like I had been caught in the rain. It's strangely quiet. There's no beeping machines, no voices coaching me, telling me what to do. There aren't even any doctors around. I'm all alone. All I can do is push and push, trying to get it out without any help from anyone.

Finally, there's a tearing sensation, and I can feel something huge spill from between my legs and fall to the floor with a sickening splat. I gather up enough strength to prop myself up on my elbows and look down between my knees.

What I see makes the gorge rise in my mouth. There's no baby, but a adult-sized body writhing on the floor. And it's not just any body. It's Hide, and his body is rotten and decayed, with flesh falling off to show the bones underneath, his eye-sockets black and empty, covered in my blood.

I open my mouth to vomit, but instead I scream and scream.

 

I'm still screaming as I wake up, drenched in sweat and twisted in my sheets. Yoshiki's pounding on my door, which I had locked to make him leave me alone, shouting for me. I start to shake as the image of Hide's rotten corpse flashes again before my eyes, and I swallow to keep from throwing up.

Jesus Christ, I need to get rid of this thing.

 


	5. If It Wasn't Love, Then What Was It?

_I sat in heavy traffic, impatient. I was already ten minutes late. I was supposed to pick up Hide at 7:30 for our date. No, no, it wasn't a date. Of course it wasn't. Just because a guy and a girl spent time alone together doesn't mean they were on a date. We were friends. Just friends._

_Ever since I had figured out that I was in love with Hide, I had to keep telling myself not to think like that. I mean, I barely knew the guy. For all I know he could be the world's biggest asshole, or a serial killer. I had met him twice. It was illogical that I could fall in love with him from just those two meetings. Love at first sight was a myth, a thing of soap operas and romantic movies. That never happened in real life._

_But if it wasn't love, what was it? I had been playing the CDs Hide gave me non-stop. I had started to lip sync the words, even though I couldn't understand what I was singing along to. I had pored over the CD booklets, staring at the foreign symbols that made up the lyrics and the pictures inside. When I had called him to arrange our trip to the drive-in, it made me so happy just to hear his voice, and I had started to stutter in my excitement. I had even started dreaming about him, and wondering what he looked like naked, and how he was in bed, to my complete embarrassment._

_The traffic finally started moving, and I pulled up in front of Hide's apartment building. At first I thought I must've taken a wrong turn, or written down the directions incorrectly. Hide had to be rich. What rockstar wasn't? But you wouldn't be able to tell from the neighborhood he lived in. I had expected him to live in one of the richer parts of L.A., but this was just an ordinary street, with ordinary cars parked on it. The apartment building was ordinary, fancier than my place, but still pretty average. Wherever his money was, he certainly didn't spend it on housing._

_I looked out of the window and saw Hide standing outside of the front doors of the apartment building, looking away from me down the street with a cigarette in his hand. I had never thought smoking was attractive, but his profile wreathed with white smoke, with the sun setting behind him, the strands of pink hair peeking from underneath the black wool cap he wore glowing, was a beautiful sight. I wished I had my camera._

_I quickly checked myself in the mirror. My hair was still slightly damp from my shower and pulled back in a ponytail. I had put on some light makeup, nothing too bright or obvious. I preferred to wear makeup that made me look like I wasn't wearing any. I wore a dark blue T-shirt with a big silver lightning bolt shooting down the front and black capri pants, with my spiked leather jacket on top. Perfect for a night at the drive-in with a friend._

_Hide turned and saw me. He waved, then threw his cigarette to the ground and started walking towards the car. He was dressed as simply as I was, in a red hooded sweatshirt, dark green windbreaker pants, and sneakers. He had large sunglasses that covered most of the upper half of his face._

_"I'm so sorry," I said as he opened the passenger door and slid inside. "The traffic is just awful. I got here as fast as I could."_

_"No worries," Hide said, smiling. "I took the chance for one last cigarette. I'm guessing you don't like smoking in your car, since you don't smoke yourself."_

_"That's true." Though if he had asked, I would've let him, though I knew the smell wouldn't get out of the upholstery for weeks afterwards. I would've done anything he asked. FRIENDS, Amanda. Friends._

_I pulled away from the sidewalk. The drive-in was about 20 minutes away, on a good day._

_"So, I got a chance to listen to those CDs," I said._

_"Yeah? Did you like them?" Hide asked._

_" I LOVED them," I said. "Pretty amazing stuff."_

_"Which did you like better, my solo stuff or X?"_

_"Your solo stuff. I mean, Toshi was okay, but your vocals are more unique. He just sounded like any of the dozens of 80s hair band singers, only in Japanese. He wasn't bad, just...not new."_

_"Well, that makes sense, because all those bands were our inspiration. I mean, we basically brought that kind of music to Japan. We were the first ones to play like that over there," Hide said, a slight defensive tone in his voice._

_"I'm not meaning to sound critical or anything. I mean, I didn't hate his vocals..." I said._

_"Don't worry. It's your opinion, I won't hate you for it."_

_"Yoshiki's piano, though...am I saying his name right?"_

_Hide laughed. "For an American accent, yes. You have to take the 'i' out of 'shi', though. Make it almost silent."_

_"Why?"_

_"How should I know?" Hide shrugged. " I didn't invent the language."_

_"Anyway, his piano was beautiful. I'm not a fan of classical or anything, but it was really something."_

_"He is really good. Unfortunately, he knows it. You think I have an ego..." Hide sighed. "His can get pretty swollen every so often."_

_"But I liked your guitar the best." I left it at that. I managed to keep my mouth shut so I wouldn't go on and on about how amazing his guitar was, and how rare it was to have such raw talent like he did, and how some of his solos had brought tears to my eyes with their intensity. I didn't want a repeat of that awkwardness between us at Ray's._

_"'Hide Your Face' was better, though. Your solo stuff is more intense, and different from all the other bands out there. I prefer that, music that doesn't sound like any other music. Which is hard to do."_

_"Yeah, that's why I did side projects in the first place. It's not like I needed more fame or money or anything, I just wanted to do my own thing, my own style. I'm glad you liked it."_

_I looked at Hide out of the corner of my eye and saw a small smile on his face. I could tell he was trying (and failing) not to let my praise please him._

_"So, the fact that you can't understand the lyrics didn't bother you?" he asked me._

_I shook my head. "No, not really. I mean, I know I can't fully appreciate the song without knowing what it's about, but I can understand the basic feeling of the song, and I can still enjoy listening. Music crosses all barriers, you know? I do wish I could understand the words, though."  
"Well, learn Japanese then," Hide said with a smirk._

_"Oh, come on, you won't translate for me?"_

_"Where's the fun in that?"_

_"Right, like I'm going to learn Japanese. I barely know English."_

_"Well that makes sense, English is hard. But Japanese is easy."_

_"Duh, for you. It's your native tongue."_

_"If I can learn English, you can learn Japanese."_

_"You clearly have no idea how bad at learning I am."_

_"Fine, if I explain some songs to you, will you try to learn Japanese?"_

_"Sure, sure, whatever." I was too curious as to what his songs were about to refuse._

_For the rest of the drive, Hide attempted to explain his songs to me. Some were easy, simply about sex or partying, things like that. Some were a bit more complicated, about experiences he had had in life and how he felt about them. A few of them he refused to explain to me, saying they were too personal to fully explain. I won't say I wasn't disappointed to hear that, but I respected his privacy. It would've been interesting to know about those, though. I had a feeling they'd reveal a lot about him, which music tended to do._

 

_We got to the drive-in just as the previews were starting. It was crowded, but I managed to find a parking space in one of the middle rows. I steered clear of the back rows, because everyone knows the only people who park back there are the ones who will be too busy to watch the movie._

_"Wait," Hide said as I stopped the car. "How do you hear it? Are there giant speakers or something?"_

_"Nope." I switched on the radio and twirled the dial around until sound that matched the images on the giant screen came through. "The sound's broadcast through the radio."_

_"Cool," Hide's eyes flicked back and forth between the stereo and the screen, impressed._

_"Are you hungry?" I asked. "We drove by a snack booth on the way in."_

_"Yeah, but let me get it." Hide opened the door and started to get out._

_"No, it's okay!" I grabbed his sleeve to stop him. "I can get my own food."_

_Hide shook his head. "No, let me. You drove, I get food. Don't worry, I got money." He gently shook off my hand from his arm and got out._

_Money wasn't what I was worried about. If Hide paid for me, then it would seem even more like a date then it already did. A guy and a girl, at a drive-in, alone in a car in the dark, only inches away from each other. And now he was paying for me. FRIENDS._

_Hide came back a few minutes later. "Hope you like popcorn," he said, shoving a big box of it towards me. I took it, along with a cup of soda. He had his own soda, and a small plastic tray of nachos, which he held up. "What the hell are these?"_

_"Nachos. Chips with spicy cheese sauce. Why did you get them if you didn't know what they were?"_

_"Because I like to live on the edge," Hide said, raising his eyebrows at me. He picked up a nacho and popped it in his mouth._

_"Oh yes, nachos are very dangerous," I said, chuckling. He obviously liked them though, because they were gone by the time the movie started._

_The movie was a horror flick, one of those cheesy gorefests. You know, the ones that all have the same plots: group of teenagers take a trip to the middle of nowhere for a weekend of drinking and sex, psycho killer finds them, token minority gets killed first, prettiest, half-naked girl is the only survivor after killing the psycho...or did she? Same old mindless crap._

_As the first sex scene came up, I started getting uncomfortable. I found sex scenes embarrassing to watch when you were with others, especially if they were of the opposite sex and you were in love with them. No, not love. Not love. And the fact that the sound was coming from the radio, which meant that my car was filled with moaning and gasping, made it even more embarrassing. I'm glad it was dark so Hide wouldn't notice my blush._

_I glanced over at him. His eyes were fixed to the screen, a straw in his mouth as he sipped on his soda. He had taken his sunglasses and hat off when the movie had started._

_Suddenly, he said, in a very serious tone, "She's faking it."_

_I burst out laughing. "Really? How can you tell?" I said, pretending to be surprised at his revelation._

_"Because they've only been fucking for about 10 seconds, and she's already about to come. That never happens."_

_I kept laughing. "I don't know...maybe he's really good."_

_"If it's over in 10 seconds, then that's no fun for anyone. And why are they screwing on the floor? That cabin's so old, I bet she'll get splinters in her ass."_

_I had to grab on to the steering wheel to keep sitting up straight, I was laughing so hard. Hide turned and grinned at me._

_"You'd think they'd research these things," he said._

_"I highly doubt they put that much effort into sex-scene research," I said, finally getting my laughter under control._

_Leave it to Hide to get rid of tension. For the rest of the movie, we kept up a commentary, complaining about how there was no way there was that much blood in one person, shouting to the girl on the screen to not go in that dark room, and wondering why one of the male characters went back for the others, which got him killed, when he could've kept running and survived. Hide was particularly annoyed when the killer got hit by a car, then got up again perfectly fine ("How the fuck did he survive that? That's just stupid!")._

_As the credits rolled, Hide slumped in his seat. "Man, I need a drink after that. That was ridiculous."_

_"Yeah, it was," I agreed._

_"Now, I'll need to show you some Japanese horror movies. They're a million times better, and they don't rely on tons of blood. Those movies really fuck with your head, and they're scary as hell. And the characters aren't total retards like those ones...." Hide looked at me with a mischievous glint in his eye. "Then again, they are Americans."_

_I threw my empty soda cup at him. "If you don't like it, get out of our country," I said, laughing._

_"Hey, don't throw your trash at me!" Hide shouted, picking up a piece of popcorn and tossing it at me, hitting me in the forehead. A fierce popcorn fight ensued, but since we had eaten most of the ammunition, it was short-lived._

_"Another movie's going to start in a few minutes," I said, brushing popcorn pieces off of my shirt. "Do you want to say and watch, or are you done?"  
"Is it another lame horror movie?" Hide asked, pulling his sweatshirt up over his head. It had gotten warm in the car. As his T-shirt got caught in his sweatshirt, I caught a glimpse of pale skin, glowing from the lit screen in front of us. I felt a warm, swooping sensation in my stomach. FRIENDS._

_"I don't think so," I said, admiring the way Hide's hair poofed up as he emerged from his sweatshirt. He now wore a black Hard Rock Cafe shirt which tightly clung to his body."They usually play romance movies or something like that for the later movie."_

_"Well, as long as it's not one of those overly-sappy ones, I can handle it." Hide looked out of the window, then laughed and pointed. "Look at that. I wonder if they think we can't see them."_

_I looked where he was pointing. In the car next to us, a guy and a girl were in the middle of a heavy make-out session. I quickly turned back to look out the windshield at the screen, but Hide kept his eyes locked on them._

_"Hide," I said, lightly smacking his arm. "Don't stare. That's rude."_

_"What's ruder, me watching or them doing it in a place where I can watch?" Hide retorted, still staring. He had a point._

_"Still, it's weird. Don't look."_

_Hide turned back to face forward. "Eh, it's not like they're sexy or nothing. And I can kiss way better than that."_

_I dropped the Chapstick I had been applying to my lips and had to bend down to reach it under my feet. I sat back up, turning my head so he couldn't see the blush that had formed on my face. He was good at making me do that. I was also terrified that if I looked at him, he'd be looking at me, and then try to kiss me or something, like how it always happens in the movies. I don't think I could've survived that. Though his lips were probably really soft....Christ, Amanda, stop it!_

_"You know, odds are the movie is really sappy," I said, my voice shaking slightly. "I don't think I could handle two crappy movies in a row." Actually, I didn't think I could handle watching a romantic movie with Hide next to me without doing...things._

_"Yeah, that doesn't sound very appealing to me, either," Hide said. "Maybe we should go."_

_Nodding in agreement, I started the car and pulled out of the parking space. As I drove by the car with the two lovebirds inside, Hide reached over and honked the horn, causing the guy to sit up in alarm and smack his head on the car ceiling._

_Hide laughed. "That was awesome!"_

_I rolled my eyes, but laughed along with him._

_"So," Hide said as we left the drive-in. "The night is young. What do you want to do now?"_

_"Um...I don't know..." I said._

_"Hmmm..." Hide paused to think. "I still need that drink...Oh yeah, I have that bottle of Bacardi I bought the other day. We could go back to my place and drink it. How 'bout it?"_

_Luckily, we were at a red light, otherwise I would've slammed on the brakes and crashed the car at that statement._

_"I-I can't drink," I said. "I still have to drive home, remember?"_

_"Oh, come on," Hide protested. "If you get too drunk, you can just stay at my place. I have tons of room."_

_"NO!" I shouted, alarmed at what he'd suggested._

_Hide looked at me in surprise._

_"I mean...I don't want to impose on you like that. That'd be rude, just going and passing out in the middle of your living room. I can't, really."_

_"Okay. I guess that means more for me then," Hide said, but the look on his face was one of disappointment. Great, now I had pissed him off._

_We rode the rest of the way in silence. As I pulled up to his apartment building, he said, "Are you sure you don't want to come in?"_

_"Hide," I said. "I really can't...I-" How could I explain it? How could I tell him that if I was alone with him any longer, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from throwing myself at him, that I was at the limit of my self-control? How could I explain how his very presence affected me?  
"Fine. You don't have to explain anything. I get it," Hide said sharply. He opened the car door and got out. I could see the irritation he was feeling in his movements._

_"Hide, wait," I called, reaching my hand out to him._

_Hide bent down and looked at me through the open door._

_"Look, I had a lot of fun tonight...probably the most fun I've ever had watching a movie. I just...need to go." I looked at him, silently pleading with him to understand._

_Something must've shown on my face, because his gaze softened and he smiled slightly. "Yeah, I did too." He reached out and grasped my hand briefly, which was still hanging in space between us. "See you later, Amanda." He slammed the car door shut, then jogged to the entrance of the apartment building. He turned and waved, then went inside._

_I bowed my head, trying to regain control of my breathing. My heart was racing like I had just run a marathon, and my hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles turned white. I was trembling, too. All this from him touching my hand! Imagine what would happen if he did more...no, don't imagine that. Not if you want to get home tonight._

_I stayed there for a few minutes, until I finally managed to calm down, then drove home._

 

I hear soft piano music as I walk down the stairs. I'm surprised. Yoshiki hasn't touched his piano since Hide died. I had been starting to wonder if he ever would again. Even though I didn't want to see him, since we were technically still arguing, I couldn't stop myself from walking towards the music room. No matter how angry I am at him, I will always love his piano.

I stop at the doorway to the music room and press myself against the wall, peering around the corner into the room. Yoshiki's sitting at his piano, eyes closed, head tilted back; the traditional Yoshiki pose. Though I make fun of him for it, I have to admit that he looks hauntingly beautiful while playing. I can't recognize the song he's playing, so he must be making it up as he goes.

I watch him for a few moments, emotions bubbling up inside like they always do. A mixture of awe at the beauty and elegance of him and a slight sense of guilt, since it always seemed that when I watched him, I was watching something private and intimate. Only one other musician has ever made me feel like that.

Last night, after I had managed to crawl out of bed and open the door, Yoshiki had come rushing into my room, anxiety written all over his face. He had taken my face in his hands, stroking my sweaty hair back from my eyes and asking over and over if I was okay. After I was positive that I wouldn't vomit all over him, I had told him I had a nightmare, but didn't explain what it was about. It seemed like he understood, though, because he had pulled me to him, pressing me tight against his chest. Being held had made the tears start again, and he had sat us both down on the bed, pulling me onto his lap and rocking me gently while I cried. After I was done, he had gotten me tissues to wipe my eyes, a glass of cold water, and then put me back to bed, though I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night.

This morning, it had seemed as though last night's truce never happened. When I had gone into the kitchen to get breakfast, he had already been there. His face cold and expressionless when he saw me, he had turned around and left the room, not saying anything. Who's the bitch now?

Turning, I continue down the hall. I'm glad that Yoshiki's lost in his own little world at the moment, and probably would be for a while yet. That meant I was free to do what I was about to do without him breathing down my neck.

At the end of the hallway is a table where the phone sits. I pull open the drawer that's built into the table, looking for the phone book that's inside. It's not there. Shit. Yoshiki must've been using it and not put it back. It's not like I can go and ask him where it is, and I had no time to look for wherever it was in this massive house. Yoshiki could snap back to reality at any moment. And it's not like I could just drive to Planned Parenthood. He'd hear the car start.

Suddenly, I remember who I could call. Hadn't Vicki been in a similar situation last year? She had never told us that she was pregnant, but I remember that one day she had a slight bulge under her shirt, and the next day she didn't. I had never told anyone, since it was her news to share, not mine.

I grab the phone and dial Vicki's number. She picks up after three rings.

"Hello?"  
"Hey Vicki, it's me."

"Amanda? Oh my god, how are you? I haven't heard from you in months! We've been worried about you."

"Have you?"

"Of course! At least, I have. I know we haven't really hung out much lately, but I've missed you. So, how are you?"

"Not good." Then, wanting to bypass the small talk: "Listen, I wanted to ask you something. Do you know the number for Planned Parenthood?"

There's a silence. Then, "Why would I know that?"

I sigh. "Because, Vicki, I know you went there at least once last year."

"How do you know?" Vicki's voice is harsh, but is trembling a little. So I was right, then.

"Vicki, last year you got fat, and then all of a sudden you were skinny again. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out." I quickly add, "I won't tell anyone, I promise. I just need your help."

She's quiet for a minute, then asks, "Why do you want to know?"

"Why else would I want to know?"

"Wait..." Vicki sounds puzzled. "Aren't you still dating that Japanese guy?"

"He's dead," I say, and I hear her gasp. "But that's not the point," I say quickly, interrupting what was probably going to be sympathy. "I need the number. I don't want it. I need to get rid of it. And I called you because I know you'd know it, and I also know that you wouldn't give me any crap about wanting an abortion."

"Well, okay..." Vicki gives me the number, which I write down on the little pad of paper that sits next to the phone.

"Um, Vicki," I hesitatingly ask. "What's an abortion like? What do they do, exactly?"

"Oh, it's pretty simple. They just vacuum it out. The whole thing takes about 30 minutes or so."

"Vacuum?"

"Yeah, and it's really cheap, too. Only a couple hundred dollars. Unless you're past the first trimester. Then they have to cut and scrape it out, and it's ten times more expensive."

My stomach churns at the thought. "No, I'm not that far yet."

"Oh, well then you're fine. Just don't go to the one downtown. The doctor there is twisted. He forced me to listen to the heartbeat before they put me under." Vicki scoffed. "Like I was going to change my mind in the operating room or something. Whatever. So anyway, we should hang out sometime soon." She continues, acting as if we hadn't just been discussing slicing up fetuses.

"I don't know...listen, I got to go. Thanks for the number." I hang up the phone and stare at it, contemplating what I had just heard. I had no idea abortions were done that way. I thought they just gave you a pill and it made the baby dissolve or something. But it was surgery, and pretty awful sounding surgery at that. A vacuum? Really?

An image of a tiny baby being sucked, screaming, into a giant tube appeared before my eyes, and I squeezed my eyes shut to get rid of it. Damn conscience. It's too late now. If I wanted to keep my sanity, I had to do this, and do it soon.

I hear the piano stop, and I hurry into the next room so Yoshiki wouldn't see me standing there.

 

A few days later, I'm sitting in the living room, watching raindrops hitting the glass doors that led into the backyard. Ever since I had called Vicki, my thoughts had been in turmoil. Despite my best efforts, I had started having doubts. On the one hand, having the baby meant the chance of having Hide staring at me through its eyes for the rest of my life, thereby haunting me forever and driving me insane. On the other hand, despite my disregard for all those pro-life fanatics that said abortion was murder, they were right. I was contemplating murder. I had looked it up on the Internet the other day, and I found out that they can measure a fetus' heartbeat at a few weeks, and brainwaves after two months. So the baby inside me was alive, truly alive. It wasn't just some random blob anymore. With this information, my excuse kept sounding more and more selfish and feeble.

I sit here, lost in thought, when suddenly Yoshiki storms into the room, looking ready to kill.

"What did I do now?" I asked, fighting the urge to stand up and run.

Yoshiki slams something down onto the coffee table in front of me. "What the fuck is this?" he shouts.

My blood runs cold as I look and see the notepad from the phone sitting there, the number for Planned Parenthood still written on it. Fuck, I had forgotten to take it with me.

"Um...a number?" I said.

Yoshiki starts to shake with fury. "Shit, Amanda, do I need to start screening phone calls?" His accent, which usually is barely detectable, starts becoming thicker and thicker, which in other circumstances would be hilariously funny. Now, it was just terrifying.

"It's nothing, just-"

"I know perfectly well what it is, I called it!" Yoshiki grabs the notepad and throws it across the room, causing a lamp to fall over. I wince as he leans over me, shoving his face in mine.

"If I have to lock you in a room until the baby's born, I will do it," he growls, baring his teeth. "Don't think I won't."

I'm cringing at the full force of his anger, but I manage to say, "If you do, I'll just kill myself."

He slams his hands down on my shoulders and presses me into the back of the chair. I start to tremble.

"If you really wanted to die, you would've done it already," he says. "Anyway, you don't have the guts."

The intensity of his glare forces me to look away, and I know he's right. No matter how much I feel like dying, I would be too afraid to give myself the fatal blow.

"You can't make me do anything," I say pathetically.

Yoshiki straightens, releasing me. He towers over me, a slight smirk on his face. "Oh yes, I can," he says. "I'm Yoshiki Hayashi. When I want something done, it gets done." He turns and leaves the room.

I sit there, frozen, my eyes wide in fear. I've never, ever seen him this angry. Close, but not this bad. In his current irate state, locking me in a room for seven months doesn't seem too improbable.

I hear Yoshiki's voice. I strain to hear, but it's really quiet. All I can get is that he's talking to someone, and in Japanese. There's no one else in the house, so obviously he's on the phone. Who on earth can he be talking to?

I get my answer a few moments later as Yoshiki enters the room again, holding the cordless phone in his hand.

"Amanda," he says with a smug smile. "Hide's mother's on the phone. She wants to talk to you."

 

 


	6. Because I'll Miss You

__I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. I groaned slightly and looked at the clock. It was 11:30. I hadn't slept very well last night, thanks to the reaction Hide's hand holding mine had given me._ _

__I rolled out of bed and walked into the kitchen, the cheap linoleum cool under my bare feet. I picked up the phone._ _

__"Hello?"_ _

__"You sure take a long time to answer the phone. It's a little rude, you know."_ _

__"Oh, Hide. It's you." There goes my heart again. I'd end up having a heart attack at this rate._ _

__"You sound surprised."_ _

__"Well, I just thought...last night..." I mumbled._ _

__Hide laughed softly. "No, it's fine. Anyway, I was calling to inform you that your first Japanese lesson is today."_ _

__I blinked. "What?"_ _

__"Yep, I'm going to be your teacher. Or sensei, as we Japanese say. And starting from today, I'll teach you one word every day. Sound good?"_ _

__"I...I guess so." I was surprised. I had thought that he'd still be angry with me for last night. He was acting like it had never happened. Well, I might as well follow his lead. "Was sensei my word for the day?"_ _

__"No, no, that was just background info. I'll teach you more useful things. Lemme see..." Hide paused, obviously thinking. "Oh, I know! Your first word...well, phrase, actually...is nande yanen."_ _

__"Nande yanen." I repeated. "What does that mean?"_ _

__"It means, 'What the fuck?'" Hide answered._ _

__I laughed. "How is that useful?"  
"It's very useful!" Hide retorted. "If you ever go to Japan, you won't know what the hell is going on anyway, so you'll have to use it. Plus, you can say it in public here in America and not get frowned upon for swearing in public. And it's also fun to yell."_ _

__"Nande yanen?" I said._ _

__Hide laughed. "Exactly! That was perfect." He made me repeat it a few more times to make sure I got it, then hung up. I was smiling at the phone as I put it down._ _

 

__As promised, Hide called me every day to give me my Japanese lesson. In a week, my tiny Japanese vocabulary consisted of mostly curse words (my favorite being "kuso!" (shit!)), but I had also learned "hai" (yes) "iie" (no), and "arigatou" (thank you)._ _

__After today's lesson, Hide had declared that the guys were taking me out to get shit-faced drunk, and they had shown up at my house at 9 PM all piled into Paul's old station wagon. All of them seemed very happy to see me. Paul had jumped out of the car and given me a big hug, resulting in whistling and catcalls from the others. Oddly, Hide had kept his mouth shut, and I saw him looking away over Paul's shoulder. This was forgotten the next moment, though, as I climbed into the backseat and sat next to Hide, our bodies forced to touch from the limited space in the car. Not that I was complaining, however._ _

__We made our way to one of the guys' favorite bars, Tatou. As it was still pretty early, the bar was mostly deserted, making it easy to find a table that could sit all six of us. Ray declared that the first round of drinks was on him, since he had gotten a bonus check from work that day. The guys cheered and all ordered beers, while I ordered the fruitiest drink on the menu. Though I felt a little guilty, since my drink probably cost at least three times as much as their beers._ _

__I watched amusingly as Hide quickly downed about half of his glass of beer in a single swig._ _

__"Thirsty?" I asked, smiling._ _

__"I always am," Hide said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand._ _

__"You should see this guy drink," Brad said. "I thought that Asians couldn't hold their liquor, but he beats all of us every time!"_ _

__Hide raised his glass towards Brad. "I try to break the mold as often as possible, you know."_ _

__"So dude," said Steve. "What's this Ray told me about you finding a recording studio?"_ _

__We all turned to look at Hide._ _

__"Oh yeah," Hide said. "I'm trying to get us a studio to practice in, and maybe record. Ray's basement is too small. We need someplace that we can play in comfortably, and where the acoustics aren't so awful. And I'm pretty sure I found one."_ _

__"Why didn't you tell us?" Paul asked._ _

__"Because I wasn't sure whether it'd work out or not. I'm still in the negotiation process. See, I'm also trying to find a label that'll take us on."_ _

__The guys were stunned._ _

__"And you only told Ray?" said Brad. "Why?"_ _

__"Because," Hide explained. "I think he's the most able to lead you guys when I'm not here. So I had to let him know what I was doing. It was supposed to be a surprise for the rest of you." Hide shot a disapproving look at Ray._ _

__"This is so cool!" Paul started to bounce a little in his seat. "Actually recording, and having a record deal...I can't believe it!"_ _

__"Don't get too excited," Hide continued. "It's a slow process. And it's going even slower, since I'm busy with my other stuff. I'm going to go back to Japan soon, anyway."_ _

__"What!?" I blurted out._ _

__Hide turned to look at me, surprised at my reaction. "I have to go back home. I'm recording an album, and hopefully will start touring again after that. Plus, I have X stuff as well."_ _

__"Will you come back?" I asked, my heart sinking._ _

__"Of course I will. I always go back and forth between Japan and L.A. I'll only be gone for a couple months at the most." He turned back to the others. "And no slacking off while I'm gone, especially if I get this deal for us. Just because I'm gone doesn't mean you don't have to work."_ _

__"You know I'll never let that happen, Hide," Ray said. "I can be a real hard ass."_ _

__"Too true," Hide said, smiling. He raised his now empty glass. "Another round?"_ _

 

__The guys continued to discuss their band as the night wore on. I was forgotten, but I didn't mind. I was content to sip my drinks, listen to their conversation, and count the growing number of empty glasses on the table. As more and more drinks were consumed, their conversation got louder and more incoherent. I knew there would be no more discussion when Steve fell asleep at the table and Brad was insisting loudly that their band name should be "The Hidettes"._ _

__I jumped when I felt a warm hand on mine. I turned and saw Hide staring at me._ _

__"Are you okay?" he asked. "You're awfully quiet."_ _

__"I'm...fine." I don't know if it was the alcohol-induced haze that I saw everything through now, but Hide looked more beautiful than I had ever seen him. His cheeks were flushed, which only made his eyes seem brighter. I noticed that Brad had been right: while the other guys were exhibiting the usual behavior of someone completely wasted, Hide was still calm and seemingly in control of himself, though he had drank as much as the others._ _

__Hide wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. I was too shocked to resist; then again, I didn't really want to._ _

__"Why were you so upset when you heard I was going to leave?" he said into my ear. The feeling of his warm breath on my cheek sent a thrill of excitement through me._ _

__"Because I'll miss you," I said honestly._ _

__Hide pulled back a little to look at me. "Really?"_ _

__I nodded. "Hai," I said softly._ _

__Hide's arm fell from my shoulder and he stood up, swaying ever so slightly. "I'm going to go have a cigarette. I'll be right back." He turned and started to push through the crowd to the door._ _

__Shit, I must've freaked him out. Damn alcohol. I got up to follow him. The room spun and I fell sideways into Paul._ _

__"Whoa, watch out, Amanda sweetheart!" he shouted, his eyes out of focus. "Feeling a little frisky, huh?" He laughed uproariously at his own joke as I pushed away from him and started after Hide._ _

__After what seemed like forever, I managed to squeeze myself through the crowd and out the front door. The cool night air felt amazingly refreshing, and cleared my head a little. Hide was standing just a few feet from the door, leaning against the brick and smoking._ _

__"Hide!" I said, a little too loudly. "I'm sorry!"_ _

__He looked at me. "Sorry for what?"_ _

__"For...for what I said." I walked over and stood beside him, also leaning against the wall. I took care not to look at him, keeping my eyes on the cars that were going by._ _

__"What, you saying you'd miss me? Why would you be sorry for that?"_ _

__"Then, I didn't freak you out?" I looked out of the corner of my eye at him. He was looking straight at me._ _

__"Nah, of course not." He took one last drag from his cigarette and tossed it on the sidewalk. He then reached up and pulled on my shoulder, directing me to turn to face him, which I did._ _

__"Honestly, I'm going to miss you too," he said gently._ _

__I'm not really sure what caused me to do it. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the look on his face or the tone of his voice. Maybe it was that all of the bottled-up feelings I had for him couldn't be contained anymore. Whatever it was, I didn't try to fight it._ _

__I leapt forward and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling his head down towards me until our lips met. I pressed my mouth against his so hard that he ran the risk of cutting his lips on his teeth if he didn't open to me, which he immediately did. My tongue snaked in between his lips and found his and our tongues started writhing around as if they had minds of their own. He tasted like smoke and beer, a combination that's usually nauseating, but because it was Hide, it was addicting._ _

__I broke the kiss with a gasp to get some air, but he hungrily claimed my lips again with a growl, taking my lower lip between his teeth and biting down hard. I moaned into his mouth, pressing myself harder against him. His hands were everywhere, fumbling over my body, trying to feel all of me, then he grabbed my hips and pulled me even closer to him, squeezing me so hard it hurt. We fed off of each other's mouths like starving animals, clung to one another like lifelines. Hide put a hand under my thigh and wrapped my leg around his waist, and I could feel his arousal pressed against me, which made me moan again._ _

__I started to become dizzy, and I realized I needed to breathe. I pushed against Hide's chest until he let go and I could step back. I gulped air, panting like I had just run a marathon. With each breath of air I became more aware of what had just happened, and shame came over me. What had I done?_ _

__"Oh, god.." I said, turning away._ _

__"Amanda, what-"_ _

__I shook my head. "No, Hide. I can't. I have to go." I walked quickly over to the curb, where a cab was idling._ _

__"Amanda, wait!" Hide called after me._ _

__Fighting the urge to stop and look back, I ignored him. Still shaking my head, I got into the taxi, shutting the door and cutting off Hide's voice still calling for me. I started to cry as the cab drove away._ _

 

I stare at Yoshiki, shocked. I had no idea he would stoop so low as to call Hide's mother, who's probably still mourning for her son, just to get his way. Not to mention it was about 5 AM over there.

Yoshiki raises an eyebrow at me, wiggling the phone a little.

I have no choice, really. I get up and take the phone from him, purposefully not looking at him. He starts walking back down the hall.

"Hello, Mrs. Matsumoto," I say in Japanese.

"Amanda, I told you, call me Haruka," she says.

"Yes, of course, Haruka," I say. I hear a click over the line that tells me Yoshiki has picked up another phone. Though my Japanese is pretty good, I still have trouble with it sometimes. He was on the line to translate if things got too confusing. "How are you?"

"Oh, I'm fine. It's been raining a lot lately, so I haven't been able to work in my garden much. But I have flowers indoors I can tend to. How are you?"

"I'm alright, I guess."

We exchange a few more niceties, then Haruka says, "Yoshiki told me some wonderful news. Is it true that I'm going to be a grandmother?"  
I can't stop the gasp that falls from my mouth. He didn't. He wouldn't. But yes, he did. That bastard. I'll kill him.

I sigh. "I wish he would've let me tell you."

"Oh, so it is true?" Haruka's voice grows higher with excitement. "Oh, I'm so glad! What a joyous thing to happen amidst all this sadness."

I want to cry. I can hear the smile on Haruka's face, the same smile her son had. How could I tell her that I didn't want the baby? How could I tell her that she wouldn't be a grandmother, ever? And I knew. I couldn't tell her, and she would be a grandmother, because I would keep it. I had to, now that she was involved. I didn't mind hurting Yoshiki, but Haruka...I couldn't do that. I couldn't break that sweet woman's heart any more than it was already broken. Which is what Yoshiki had been counting on.

"Yes, it is true." I feel tears on my cheeks, and I try to keep them out of my voice. "I'm due in February."

"Oh, how wonderful. Hideto would've been so happy. He loved children."

That was the absolute worst thing to say. The tears come faster, and I can't talk any more.

"Amanda? Are you alright?"

I pull myself back together. "I'm sorry, Haruka. I just-"

"I know, my dear. I know it's hard." Out of all the people who've said those words to me, I believe her the most, since she  _ did _ know. "But try to stay calm. You have the baby to think of now."

"Yes, I know." I distract myself by mentally listing all the ways I'd like to kill Yoshiki.

"Now, I know you've been staying with Yoshiki since the funeral, but I believe you'd be better off with someone who can help you during your pregnancy. I'm guessing Yoshiki doesn't know much about it, do you?"

Yoshiki chuckles. "Not really, no."

"Just as I thought," Haruka says. "Amanda, dear, why don't you come and stay with me? I can teach you all you need to know, and take care of you. After all, I've been through it twice myself."

"With you?" It was a possibility I'd never thought of. "I'd hate to impose on you like that-"

"Nonsense! I'd be delighted to have you. After all, you're like a daughter to me, you know."

"I don't deserve that," I say. It was more than my own mother ever said to me.

"Of course you do. You're a sweet girl, and you made my son very happy. That's enough for me."

That almost starts the tears again.

"Haruka, I don't know if that's such a good idea," Yoshiki said. "At least not right now. Hide's still all over the television and things. I don't know if Amanda would want to see that."

He's right. I'm having enough trouble coping with my own memories of Hide. Seeing his face on TV and on posters in the street would be unbearable. Thank God he had never been famous here.

"Then where will she stay? She can't stay with you forever, and she shouldn't be alone."

"Amanda can stay here for as long as she needs to," Yoshiki says with an authoritative tone. The tone of voice that said the discussion was over. "And I think it'll be more stressful for her over there. And what if the press found out? That would be even worse."

"I hadn't thought of that," Haruka says. "Maybe you're right. But if you both don't mind, I'd like to call from time to time to see how you're doing, Amanda."

"Of course," I say. "I would be happy to hear from you."

"Alright then. Stay strong, dear. It'll get better with time."

"I know." Again, I believe her, though she hasn't been the first to say those words.

"Take care of yourself, both of you."

"We will," Yoshiki says. "Goodbye, Haruka."

"Goodbye," I say.

"Goodbye." Haruka hangs up.

I also hang up and throw the phone onto the couch, then stalk out into the hallway to rip Yoshiki apart. I find him in the kitchen, turning off the other cordless phone.

"What the fuck was that?" I shout. "How dare you tell Haruka I'm pregnant? That's not your business!"

"You know perfectly well why," Yoshiki says. "I knew if she knew, you'd forget about this whole abortion thing. How could you kill her grandchild?"

I fly at him, ready to pound his perfect face in. He grabs my arms before my fists can hit him. I struggle for a few moments, then stop. I start to cry again. What's the point?

"God, I hate you," I sob. "You're so mean."

"Yes, I'm so mean I'm letting you stay in my house, though you drive me crazy. How evil of me."

I look up at him. "Did you really mean that?"  
"Of course I did," Yoshiki says, his gaze softening as he looks at me. "Though you drive me up the wall, I do care about what happens to you, you know."

I let my head fall to his shoulder and sob. Yoshiki's strong arms wrap around me and pull me close. He strokes my hair soothingly, not caring that I'm soaking his shirt with my tears.

I have made my decision, the complete opposite of what I'd planned, what I'd already prepared myself for. I am going to have the baby. I am going to raise Hide's child without him. That's probably the hardest part of all. Worse than the fact that the baby might look like him is the fact that it will never know its father, and its father will never know he has a child.

I cry for what seems like hours, until I have no tears left. Finally, I lift my head and take the dishcloth Yoshiki's offering me to wipe my eyes.

"What an odd relationship we have," I say, smiling a little. "First I want nothing more than to kill you, then I want to hug you."

Yoshiki laughs. "You're not the first to say that," he says.

 


	7. I'll Keep Him Forever

__The doorbell rang, causing me to jump and drop the glass I was scrubbing back into the sink filled with hot, soapy water. Who the hell was that? No one ever visited me._ _

__I wiped my hands dry and walked the pathetically short distance from my kitchen sink to the front door. God damn, my apartment was tiny._ _

__I opened the door and froze. "What...what the hell are you doing here?"  
Hide was standing on my front step. "I wanted to talk to you. Why did you run from me last night?" Obviously, Hide wasn't one to beat around the bush._ _

__"I...I..." I backed up, searching for words, and Hide walked inside just enough so I could close the door behind him. He stared at me, a serious look on his face._ _

__"Honestly...I was afraid. Of what I did. It was a mistake...I was drunk, and-"_ _

__"Don't give me that. You meant to do it. You weren't drunk enough to kiss me for no reason."_ _

__My mouth snapped shut._ _

__"I've had many drunken kisses, and last night...that wasn't the same as all the others. You were fully aware of what you were doing."_ _

__"Of course I was," I said, my voice returning. "That's why I left before I could ruin things further. Look, I'm really sorry-"_ _

__"Don't be," Hide said, interrupting me again. "Because I'm not."_ _

__"What?"_ _

__Hide leaned against my kitchen counter, looking down at his feet. If I didn't know any better, I would say he was suddenly feeling shy. "I'm not sorry for it at all. I enjoyed it."_ _

__I could feel my face reddening. "Oh..."_ _

__Hide looked up at me. "Did you?"_ _

__I looked back at him, silent. Finally, I whispered, "Yes."_ _

__Hide straightened and reached for my wrist, pulling me slightly closer to him. I planted my feet, afraid of what he might do and that I'd like it too much._ _

__"Amanda," he said softly, and I loved the sound of my name on his lips. "Last night...there was something there. Sure, we were a little drunk, so that contributed somewhat to it, but beneath that...there was something hot and exciting hidden there. And I want to uncover that. I want to feel it again."_ _

__I tried to swallow, but my throat was dry. What he was saying shocked and thrilled me at the same time. I wanted to agree, because he was right. He had felt my passion and desire for him in my kiss. But was I hearing him correctly? Did he say he wanted it too? It was too good to be true._ _

__"Hide," I whispered, unable to look at him anymore. And I told him the lie that every girl has told the man of her dreams, the one she's so sure she could never have that when she finally has her chance, she refuses it. "It wouldn't work. It'd ruin our friendship."_ _

__Hide scoffed. "Are you kidding? Of course it wouldn't."_ _

__I shook my head, my eyes still glued to the floor. "Yes, it would. Say we did start something...what if it ended? Then we could never be around each other again without it being weird and awkward, and I don't want that. I'm happy with what I have with you now."_ _

__Hide took my face between his hands, lifting my head and forcing me to look at him. "I can promise you that would never happen. Because I'd try my hardest to make it work. I want this, Amanda. I want you. And I know you want it too."_ _

__I smiled slightly. "I guess I haven't been any good at hiding it, have I?"_ _

__Hide grinned. "You're not so bad. The only reason I haven't said anything until now was because I wasn't completely sure. But last night proved it one hundred percent."_ _

__I sighed, and with my breath came my confession. "It's true. Ever since I met you, I've wanted you. Within seconds of talking to you, I was already infatuated. And ever since then, it's gotten worse and worse, until it took all my self-control not to just pounce on you and do...well, I don't know what I would've done."_ _

__"Something fun, I hope." Hide wiggled his eyebrows at me._ _

__I laughed. "Oh yes, I can promise that at least it would be fun. For both of us."_ _

__Hide smiled. His hands slid from my face down to my shoulders, resting there. "So, what do you say? Will you try it? Shall we take our friendship further? I, for one, am all for it."_ _

__I looked into his eyes, which were bright and hopeful. I thought of what it would be like to claim Hide as mine, not in my dreams but for real. I didn't need to think that long to know that it would be perfect._ _

__"I'm game," I said._ _

__Hide looked at me in confusion. I realized he didn't know the expression._ _

__"That means yes, idiot," I teased._ _

__Hide's smile got even wider, and he planted a soft kiss on my forehead before stepping back. "Suge," he said._ _

__It was my turn to be confused. "Huh?"_ _

__"That means 'awesome', idiot." Hide poked my forehead in the same place he had just kissed. I stuck my tongue out at him and laughed._ _

__"We need to do this right, though," Hide said. "So come on, we're going out."_ _

__My smile fell slightly. "What?"  
"Come on," Hide grabbed my hand and started walking towards the door. "I'm taking you out for our first date."_ _

__"But...but..." I tried to plant my feet again, but Hide was too strong for me and I slid a little across the linoleum. "I'm not dressed for it!"_ _

__Hide stopped and looked at me, his eyes taking in my cutoff jean shorts and faded Iron Maiden T-shirt. "You're beautiful just the way you are," he said. "Stop whining."_ _

__My heart skipped a beat at those words, and all resistance left my body. I was dragged out of my door, barely having enough time to grab my keys._ _

__"How did you get here, anyway?" I asked as we walked up my steps._ _

__"Taxi," Hide said, pointing to a yellow cab waiting in the street._ _

__"You had a taxi waiting?" I asked, astonished. "What are you, nuts? The meter's still running!"_ _

__"So?" Hide shrugged. "I'm a rockstar. I have money to burn. Don't worry about it."_ _

__"Where are we going?" I asked as the taxi pulled away from the curb. I could see the taxi driver glancing at us in the rearview mirror, probably wondering the same thing._ _

__"No idea," Hide said, shrugging. He leaned forward to address the driver. "Just keep driving around until we think of something."_ _

__The driver nodded silently._ _

__We drove for about twenty minutes before Hide suddenly pointed and shouted, "Ooo! Ooo! Let's go there!"_ _

__I looked out the window and saw that Hide was pointing at a Ferris wheel that slowly spun in the distance._ _

__"Ferris wheels mean amusement park, right? Which means junk food and overpriced games and a lot of rides! Wanna go?"_ _

__I laughed at his enthusiasm. "What are you, five? You're way too excited."_ _

__"I haven't been to an amusement park in a long time, and I love them." Hide's eyes were glued to the Ferris wheel._ _

__"Sure, why not?" I said. "I haven't been for a while either. I usually can't afford it."_ _

__"That's the boardwalk at Santa Monica Bay," the driver said. "It's pretty cheap to get in."_ _

__"That's even better. We can go walk on the beach or something."_ _

__"Is that where you want to go?" the driver asked._ _

__Hide nodded vigorously. "Yes, please."_ _

 

__The boardwalk was small, mostly food and game stands and some tacky souvenir shops lining the docks. There were a few rides however: the Ferris wheel, a carousel, and a Tilt-a-Whirl. Though it was small, Hide didn't seem to care in the least. He practically ran through the entrance and headed straight for the Tilt-a-Whirl, not noticing he left me behind. I was happy to walk more slowly, enjoying his excitement._ _

__Hide got to the line of people waiting to get on and finally noticed I wasn't right behind him. "Come on!" he shouted, waving at me to walk faster. I sped up and reached him just as the line started moving._ _

__We went on the Tilt-a-Whirl about six times in a row before we got so dizzy we could hardly walk straight, and settled our stomachs with chicken strips, fries and lemonade. Then we rode the carousel for an hour or so, choosing different horses to sit on each time. After that, we decided it was time to try our luck at a few of the games. Hide beat me in everything, except for the throwing darts game._ _

__"Kuso!" Hide cursed as he missed his target, a small pink balloon that he was supposed to pop, for the tenth time._ _

__"Aim for the green ones, they're bigger," I suggested._ _

__"No way, pink's my lucky color," Hide said, pointing to his head._ _

__"Obviously not today," I said._ _

__Hide frowned at me. "Fine, you do it if you're so smart." He handed me three darts._ _

__I took aim and threw. The dart hit the balloon square in the middle and it popped with a BANG!_ _

__I smiled at Hide triumphantly. "See? Easy."_ _

__"Beginner's luck," he said, pouting._ _

__"Oh, really?" I threw the other two darts together and popped two more balloons._ _

__"Winner! Pick a prize!" the guy running the booth shouted._ _

__I looked at the rack where the prizes hung. They were all pretty lame and cheaply made. Then I saw what I wanted._ _

__"I'll take that bear," I said. After being handed my prize, I turned to Hide. He wasn't there. Looking around, I found him wandering away, pretending he didn't care that he had lost._ _

__"Hide!" I called, running up to him. "I won!"_ _

__"That's nice," he said in a disappointed tone._ _

__"Here," I said, handing him the little pink bear I had chosen. "I won it for you."_ _

__Hide's face lit up as he took the bear. "Thanks!"_ _

__"Now, I know it's supposed to be the guy who wins the bear for the girl, but since you suck at darts..."_ _

__Hide hit me lightly over the head with the bear. "The sun was in my eyes."_ _

__"Yeah, whatever." I laughed._ _

__Hide looked at the bear in his hands, making it dance. "I'll name it Teddy."_ _

__I rolled my eyes. "How original."_ _

__"Hey, I have to be original all the time in my line of work. Let me be boring for once."_ _

__"Hide, I seriously doubt you could ever be boring."_ _

 

__As the afternoon turned into evening, Hide decided he wanted to go down and walk on the beach below the docks. We walked along the waterline, water flowing over our bare feet, watching the sun start to sink into the ocean._ _

__"I've decided that Santa Monica Bay is my favorite place in L.A.," Hide said._ _

__"Really? Have you been everywhere else?" I asked._ _

__"No."_ _

__"Then how do you know? There could be someplace better."_ _

__"I just know. Stop arguing," Hide said with false annoyance. He stopped and turned towards the ocean, sighing happily. "It's been a great day. I had a lot of fun, and look. One of the few places in L.A. where your view is unobstructed by buildings and other human things. It's beautiful, don't you think?"_ _

__I looked at him, his face content and glowing in the light from the setting sun, his hair moving slightly in the light breeze. "Yes, it is beautiful." And I wasn't talking about the sunset._ _

__"I spend so much time in cities, I've learned to appreciate natural beauty. It's lame, I know."_ _

__"No, it's not...ow!"_ _

__"What?" Hide turned to look at me, concerned._ _

__"I cut my foot on something." I lifted my foot and looked at the bottom. I saw a small cut in the middle of my foot that was bleeding slightly. "Must've been some broken glass or something. That's what I get for walking barefoot on an L.A. beach."_ _

__"Let me help." Before I could do anything, Hide had lifted me up and carried me bridal style up the beach until he reached a wooden bench, which he promptly placed me on._ _

__"You didn't have to carry me," I said._ _

__"Of course I did. You can't get sand in it. Let me check to see if any glass is in there." Hide gently lifted my foot and peered at the bottom of it. Usually I would protest against being treated like a damsel in distress, but I was still recovering from the feeling of being held securely in Hide's arms._ _

__"No glass," he said a moment later. "But we have to cover it." Hide pulled a napkin out of his pants pocket. "This is all I have." He covered the cut with the napkin, then slid my shoe on over it so it held the napkin in place. He looked up at me. "Do you think you can walk on it?"_ _

__I stood up slowly, testing my weight on my injured foot. It only stung slightly. "Yeah, it's fine."_ _

__"Here, hold Teddy. It'll make you feel better." Hide handed Teddy to me._ _

__I hugged Teddy to my chest, burying my nose in the fuzz on top of his head. Even though Hide had only been carrying him around for a few hours, Teddy had already started to smell like him._ _

__"Thanks, Hide," I said._ _

 

__By the time we got back to my house, it was completely dark, or as dark as L.A. could ever be. We had taken our time walking back from the beach to the boardwalk, since Hide had insisted we walk slowly so I wouldn't further hurt my foot._ _

__Hide walked me to my door, still worried about my cut._ _

__"Don't worry," I said for the millionth time. "I'm a tough girl. It's not like I was gushing blood or anything."_ _

__"Sorry."_ _

__"It's okay. I think it's cute, if not terribly cliche. But then again, this whole day has been." I said._ _

__"Has it?" Hide asked._ _

__"Yeah. Having a first date at an amusement park, winning a prize at the darts game, watching the sunset, you saving me from the evil broken glass..."_ _

__Hide laughed. "And is that a bad thing?"  
"No." I smiled. "I had fun. More fun then I've had in a while, actually."_ _

__"Now who's being cliche?" Hide teased. He held up Teddy. "Thank you again for him. I'll keep him forever."_ _

__"You're welcome. Well, good night." I turned and reached for the doorknob, but was stopped by Hide's hand on my shoulder._ _

__Hide turned me towards him, then leaned forward until our faces were barely an inch apart. "Good night," he whispered before kissing me softly on the lips. He then turned and went back up the stairs._ _

__I stood there, watching him until he reached the top and disappeared from my sight. Then I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. I turned back around and fumbled with the doorknob for a minute before opening the door and letting myself in._ _

__I fell asleep that night with a smile on my face._ _

 


	8. Why Did He Have to Die?

It has been almost two weeks since I've decided that I was going to have the baby. I've come to accept it, at least a little bit. I refuse to talk about it with Yoshiki. He tries to engage me in conversation, probably thinking that now that I've agreed to have the baby, I must be excited for it. He couldn't be more wrong. I still don't want the baby, but my guilt over hurting Haruka and committing murder override that.

I try not to think about it. You'd think it would be easy, since I don't even have the beginnings of a baby bump yet. And I sometimes almost drive it completely from my mind, until I have to run to the bathroom to puke. "Morning" sickness my ass. I throw up at random times throughout the day, not just in the morning, sometimes so much that I think my body is trying to vomit up the baby. Which is what I'm doing right now.

When I finish brushing my teeth, I walk out of the bathroom and straight into Yoshiki. He looks serious, well more serious then he usually does.

"What, do you get a weird kick out of hearing me puke my guts out?" I say, trying and failing to be funny.

Yoshiki doesn't acknowledge my question. "When was the last time you were at your own apartment?"

I tense. It wasn't my apartment, really, it was Hide's. I had moved in with him about eight months after we started dating. "Why?"

"Well, I was just wondering if you were still paying rent on it or something, since you're living here now."

"Not me, no," I answer. "Hide always paid the rent about six months in advance, so he could go travel and not have to worry about it. It's probably overdue by now, though..."  
"Do you still want to keep it?" Yoshiki asks. "Because if you don't, you need to officially move out. I'm guessing your landlord doesn't know Hide's dead, and wondering where his money is."

"Probably." Actually, I had completely forgotten about little responsibilities like that. Hide had paid for everything, so I never had to worry about it.

"Also, don't you think we need to-" Yoshiki pauses. "-clean out his stuff?"

"Oh, man," I say, running a hand through my hair. "Yoshiki, I totally can't deal with that right now. I don't want to go back there..."

"You have to at some point," Yoshiki says sternly. "We need to get his things. Or would you rather they repossess it all?"

"I know, I know. It'll just be...hard. Hide's everywhere in that house..."

"It's okay. You don't have to deal with it alone. I'll go with you."

 

I press the 'up' button and the elevator doors open. I step inside, my heart heavy with dread, Yoshiki right behind me. I really, really didn't want to be here right now.

"You didn't have to do that," I say, pressing number  4 like I had a million times before.

"You said you didn't have the money," Yoshiki says.

I had gone right to my landlord's office as soon as we got here, explaining to him that Hide and I weren't going to live in our apartment anymore (I declined to mention that Hide was dead, to save myself the artificial sympathy I'd receive). He didn't really care, just wanted to know where his money was. The rent was two months overdue, plus there was a fee for it being overdue. Since I had never known what the rent was, I was astounded at what I owed him. It was a drop in the bucket for someone like Hide and Yoshiki, but for me it was a lot. A lot that I didn't have. Before I could do anything, however, Yoshiki had pulled out his checkbook and written a check. The landlord had taken the check without a word to him, saying I had a week before he put the apartment up for rent again.

"If you feel that strongly about it, you can pay me back later," Yoshiki says as the elevator stops and the doors open. He walks out. "Number  4 14, right?"

"Yeah..." I exit the elevator, a lot more slowly than Yoshiki did. I look around. The hallway seems unfamiliar, even though I've walked through it many times before. Was it always this long? Were the walls always that bright and sterile-looking? I'm not really sure.

Yoshiki starts walking down the hall towards the apartment in a steady, determined pace. It's obvious from the tension in his shoulders he's steeling himself for what we're about to do. If he's having this much of a problem, what makes him think I can do this?

Yoshiki stops in front of a door. He stands there staring at it, then turns to me. "What are you waiting for? I don't have a key," he snaps, his anxiety making him cranky.

I'm still in front of the elevator. Reluctantly, I walk down to where he is. I reach into my purse and take out my keys, all the while feeling like I'm moving in slow motion. My hand is shaking slightly as I put the key into the lock and turn it. The click seems way too loud.

Yoshiki takes my hand. His hand is real warm, which means mine must be cold.

I turn to him. "Yoshiki, I can't..."

Yoshiki's hand gently squeezes mine. "We'll do it together." He takes my hand and places it around the doorknob, his fingers on top of mine. He essentially turns the knob and opens the door, since I didn't bother to put any force into my own hand. The last thing I wanted to do is open the door.

The door opens about halfway, and Yoshiki walks in. He's still holding my hand, pulling me gently inside. He must've read my mind, since I'm seriously thinking about turning and running.

The apartment is dark, the only light coming from the hallway behind me. I push the door closed and we're enveloped in almost complete darkness.

"I hope they didn't turn the electricity off," Yoshiki says. He walks over to the dark shape that is the lamp next to the sofa and flips the switch. The apartment is flooded with a soft yellow light.

I take in a shuddering breath. The sight of the old apartment, a place I called home for almost two and a half years, is too much. There's the dining room table, where we ate and where Hide would sit and write; there's the ugly old sofa where we watched movies and made love and where Hide sometimes slept if he was too drunk to make it to the bedroom. One of his guitars is leaning against the wall next to the TV. I see that before we had left for Japan for the last time, Hide had never picked up the videotapes like I had asked him to. And he never would.

I feel dizzy, and my legs collapse from underneath me. Yoshiki is quick to catch me, and he steers me to the sofa and makes me sit. A small puff of dust rises from underneath me. I realize I'm crying again.

"Maybe I should've come myself," Yoshiki says, his voice gentle. "This might be too trying for you, and you can't be too upset in your condition..."

I sniff and force myself to stop crying. "It's already too late for that." I stand up and take a deep breath. "Like you said, it needs to be done. I can do this. Anyway, I need to get my stuff too. In fact, let's just start with that. Let's just arrange my stuff for today. Take it one day at a time, you know?" I try to make myself sound optimistic, for both our sakes.

Yoshiki looks a little taken aback from my sudden mood change. "Well, if you're sure..."

"I'm sure. Why don't you stay out here and start organizing things into piles, and I'll start in the bedroom." Do the hardest part first.

"No, I'll go with you," Yoshiki says. He steps back and allows me to lead him down to the end of the hallway. The bedroom door had been left ajar.

"Wow," Yoshiki says as we walk in and I turn on the light. "This room's a lot different."

"Yeah, it was the only one I could get Hide to allow me to decorate. I was tired of all the blank white walls everywhere else." It's taking all my willpower to keep my voice steady. I turn away to the closet to hide the fact that my body is shaking.

"I'll start with my clothes," I say, pushing open the door that opened to my side of the closet. I start taking clothes off the hangers and folding them, piling them on the floor.

"Hey, Yoshiki, what about all of his stuff back in Japan?" I ask.

"Hiroshi and Haruka are taking care of that, of course." Yoshiki answers as he kneels to reach under the bed. He pulls out a black trunk with hot pink hearts all over it.

"Um...I would leave that for me," I say.

"Why?" He asks, placing his hands on the top of the trunk.

"Well, that's our 'Love Box'..."

Yoshiki jerks his hands away from the trunk as if it had tried to bite him. "Oh," he says, an awkward look on his face. If I was in a better mood I would laugh.

"You know what?" Yoshiki says, glancing around the room uncomfortably. "I think I'll go start on another room. It will make the job go faster if we split up, you know?" He gets up and practically runs out of the bedroom.

As soon as the door closes behind him, I drop the shirt I'm holding, walk across the room to the bed, and sit on the soft mattress. I stare down at the dark blue duvet, running my hand lightly over it.

Some the best nights of my life were spent in this bed. Memories flash before my eyes of long, passion-filled nights. Of falling asleep in Hide's arms, the safest place in the world to be. Of pillow fights that more often than not ended in sex. Of insisting he stay in bed and nursing him back to health whenever he was sick or suffering from a bad hangover.

I let out a sob and throw myself down on the bed, burying my face in the pillows to stifle the noise. My face soon becomes wet as my tears soak into the pillowcase. The pillows smell musty and old, not a trace of his scent left on them.

I cry until all my tears are gone. As I sit up and wipe my face with my sleeve, I notice that my chest feels lighter. I think I can do this now, just as long as I take it slow. I wouldn't touch any of Hide's things; that would take more preparation then I was ready for yet.

It takes about another hour until I have all my possessions in piles on the floor. I have also stripped the bed, because I wanted to take the duvet and sheets. They were very comfortable, expensive sheets. I didn't want to throw them out. The one thing I don't open is the 'Love Box'. I'm just going to throw it away, since I will never use its contents again.

What the hell can I put all this stuff in? Maybe there's some garbage bags in the kitchen somewhere. I start to walk down the hallway to the kitchen. On the way, I see the door to the guest room/office is ajar. I'm guessing Yoshiki's in there. I wonder how he's doing.

I push the door open a little more and stick my head in. Yoshiki's back is to the door. He's sitting in the office chair, looking down at something in his lap. I open my mouth to say his name when I hear a shuddering sigh come from him. He suddenly throws his head into his hands and starts to shake, gasping for air. The thing in his lap falls to the floor and I see that it's a photo album. It's open to a photo of Yoshiki and Hide back in the X days, sitting at a table, cigarettes in hand and laughing together.

I'm in shock, and not sure of what to do. I've never seen Yoshiki cry before. Shed some tears, yes, but never actually  _ cry. _ I get a funny feeling that this is what he'd been doing all those days and nights of being shut up in his room. Should I go comfort him? Or should I just leave and let him get rid of all the sorrow, which he had obviously been repressing all day? And why is he so sad? It's one thing to cry for a friend you've lost, but this seemed a little too much. You don't cry like that for a friend, no matter how good of a friend they are. You only sobbed your eyes out for someone you really loved-

Something in my head clicks. Of course. That's why Yoshiki has been so adamant about me keeping the baby, and why I made him cry when I said that Hide never loved him. It's because Yoshiki had been  _ in love _ with Hide.

I walk into the room and place my hand on Yoshiki's shoulder. He jumps, unaware that I was there. He bent his head forward, hiding his face from me.

"Yoshiki," I say softly. "You really did love him, didn't you?"

He sighs and is silent for a moment. "Of course I did, Amanda." He says just as quietly. "How could I not?"

I squeeze his shoulder in agreement. I understand completely. "Did you ever tell him?"

Yoshiki shakes his head. "I couldn't. He wasn't that way, and frankly, neither was I, at least not really. And I thought that if I told him it would scare him off, and our friendship would be ruined. And I didn't want that for anything."

Funny, I had thought the same thing. But I didn't tell Yoshiki that. And of course his situation was very different.

"But ever since the first day we met, I loved him. As much as I tried to deny it to myself, I did."

"Same with me," I say. "It was kind of impossible not to."

Yoshiki reaches up to his shoulder and grabs my hand that is still resting there. "You know, when I first met you, I hated you. I was so jealous that you got all of Hide's love, the kind of love that I wanted, but would never get. But then as I got to know you better, I saw that you were a great person and that you deserved it. And you were making Hide happy, happier than I had ever seen him. And I liked you for doing that for him."

I kneel down and wrap my arms around Yoshiki, hugging him tight. Tears are in my eyes, but not from sorrow. I'm touched by what Yoshiki just said.

"You're my favorite, Yoshiki."

Yoshiki laughs a little. "I should be, for everything I'm doing for you."

I let go of him and pick up the photo album off the floor. "You guys look so young and happy there."

Yoshiki nods, and his face becomes sorrowful again. "Why did he have to die, Amanda? Out of all the people in the world, why him? It just doesn't make sense."

I put the album on the desk, letting my fingertips linger on the photo. "I ask myself the same thing every day."

 


	9. You Don't Exist, Remember?

__"You have a boyfriend?"_ _

__"What's his name?"_ _

__"What's he like?"_ _

__"Is he hot?"_ _

__"One at a time guys, geez," I said, taking a sip of my daiquiri. I was out with Jenn and Vicki, at the usual place. It was the first time we'd seen each other for a while. Our weekly outings had been growing further apart lately, since Vicki had gotten a new job and Jenn and Kayla had some sort of falling out, which explained why she wasn't with us. And I had been spending all my free time with Hide._ _

__"Remember that guy with the pink hair we saw in here a while ago?" I asked._ _

__"Oh, the gay one?" asked Jenn._ _

__"Well," I said, turning to her. "Turns out he's not gay after all, even with pink hair."_ _

__"You're dating him?" Jenn scooted her chair a little closer to me. "Oh my god, you have to tell me everything!"_ _

__"Haven't you had bad luck with men you've met in bars?" Vicki asked._ _

__"He's totally different from them," I said. "He's very sweet, and funny, and really cute. And, unlike those other guys, he actually has a job, a good one, and he's not a creeper or anything."_ _

__"What's his name?"_ _

__"Hide."_ _

__"Hide?" Jenn wrinkled her nose. "Where the hell is he from, with a name like that?"  
"Japan."_ _

__"A Japanese guy, huh? Is it true what they say about Asian men?" Vicki laughed._ _

__I felt my face flush a little in annoyance. "I wouldn't know...and don't you think you better lay off the French fries? You're already getting chubby."_ _

__Vicki's hand froze in the middle of reaching for a fry. She frowned and pulled her hand back, pulling on the bottom of her shirt._ _

__"What do you mean, you don't know?" Jenn asked. "You guys haven't done it yet?"_ _

__"No," I said, my body already starting to grow warm at the thought. "We've only been seeing each other for like, a month, and I haven't seen that much of him because he's busy with work."_ _

__"What does he do?"_ _

__"He's a rock star," I said, smiling. Revealing that your boyfriend was a rock star was always a great feeling, especially because of the reactions people gave you._ _

__"No way!" Jenn squealed. "That is so cool! What band is he in?"_  
"He's in two, actually. A guitarist in one and a vocalist in the other. But you've never heard of them. He's famous in Japan, but no one knows who he is here."  
"Is he any good?" Vicki asked._

__"He's better than good," I answered, a little defensively. "He's amazing. I've heard his stuff and it's some of the greatest music I've ever heard."_ _

__"What's he look like? Do you have a picture?"  
"He looks like an Asian guy, they all look the same," Vicki said._ _

__"Vicki, shut up," I said scathingly._ _

__"What?" she asked, looking surprised._ _

__"Can you just shut up with the racist comments, please? It's rude."_ _

__"Since when did jokes like that make you angry? You used to say shit like that all the time."_ _

__It was true, but she didn't have to say it. "Well, I've learned now that that was wrong. And so I'd appreciate it if you kept them to yourself."_ _

__"Here we go," Jenn said, taking a swig of her drink._ _

__I turned towards her. "What's that supposed to mean?"_ _

__"The new boyfriend is changing you already. He's perfect in your eyes, and anything said against him is the gravest insult," Jenn rolled her eyes. "Just remember that when he breaks your heart."_ _

__I stood up angrily. "Well, I thought you'd be happy for me, since you're supposed to be my friends-"_ _

__"We are happy for you," Jenn interrupted. "And we are your friends, but not when you start snapping at every little thing we say."_ _

__"Well fine," I said. I grabbed my jacket and threw some money on the table to pay for my drink. "If you don't want me here, then I'll leave."_ _

__"Amanda, that's not-"Vicki started to say, but I had already started walking towards the door. I saw her give Jenn a meaningful look out of the corner of my eye, which made me even angrier. I tore the door open and stomped out into the night._ _

__When I got home, I noticed the red light flashing on the answering machine Hide had insisted on buying for me. He had grown tired of waiting for me to pick up every time he called, which was at least once a day. I pushed the "play" button and Hide's voice came out of the speaker._ _

__"Hey, I guess you're out somewhere, so call me when you get back, okay? Ja ne."_ _

__I eagerly picked up the phone and dialed his number, sliding off my shoes and sitting up on the counter while waiting for him to pick up._ _

__"Hello, my Ama-chan," Hide said._ _

__"How did you know it was me?" I asked, smiling. I loved my new name. It was too cute._ _

__"Just my amazing Japanese intuition."_ _

__I laughed. "How was work today?"_ _

__Hide sighed. "Very busy. I had a photoshoot today for the new tour book. Why they couldn't wait until I got back to Japan I don't know, but whatever."_ _

__My smile faded. The tour book reminded me that he was due back in Japan soon. I had tried not to think about it too much. "Do you know when you're leaving yet?"  
"Actually, I do. Next Wednesday morning." Six more days. "And I'll be really busy until then making sure things won't fall apart over here without me."_ _

__"I was hoping I'd get to see you again before you left," I said gloomily. I knew I was whining a little, but I didn't really care._ _

__"Oh, you will," Hide said. "I'll make sure we get to spend some time together before I go. I'll be gone for at least 3 months, you know."_ _

__"I know, don't remind me. I'll really miss you."  
"Oh come on, I sent you 'Mugongeki'. That should tide you over, shouldn't it?"_ _

__I thought of the photobook Hide had sent me, which was currently residing on my bedside table so I could look at it every night before I went to sleep. "Though those pictures are gorgeous, they're not as good as_ _ __actually_ _ __seeing you."_ _

__"True...well, I have tomorrow morning free. Want to get breakfast?"_ _

__"I'd love to. And you can tell me what the hell those poems say."_ _

__"I'll try. They'll probably sound really stupid in English, but I'll try."_ _

__"Okay. And I'm driving tomorrow, since you came to pick me up last time we went out."_ _

__"Deal. I'm exhausted, I need to get some sleep. You go to bed too, it's late."_ _

__"Yes, Father," I laughed. "Good night."_ _

__"Oyasumi, Ama-chan."_ _

 

It had taken us the rest of the week to completely clean out the apartment of Hide and my possessions. The furniture and appliances we had left for the landlord to deal with. That week had not been easy; many more tears had been shed, and it had been physically painful to collect all of Hide's stuff. In the end, I couldn't make the decision with what to keep and what to throw away, so we had taken all of it, packed it away in boxes and put it into one of Yoshiki's spare rooms. What we would do with it from there I didn't know.

One day, Yoshiki had the answer. We would send it all to Japan so they could put it into a Hide museum.

"What?" I say, looking up from the glass of water I was filling in the kitchen sink.

"Hide's record label wants to make a museum dedicated to him. They've already asked Haruka for her permission and she's consented. They'll need his belongings to put in there, so-"

"Wait a minute." I still think I'm not hearing things right. "They want to make a Hide museum?"

"Yes, that's what I just said." Yoshiki sounds slightly irritated with my lack of understanding.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Why the hell would they do that?"

"So people can remember him. It's a kind of memorial. Also, people who didn't know about him can learn about all his music and appreciate him for the genius he was."

"Goddammit, can't they just let him be dead!?" I shouted, slamming the glass down on the counter so water spilled out over the edge and splashed onto the counter. "Can't he rest in peace!?"

This was disgusting. A few days ago Haruka had called us and told us how there were still television specials honoring Hide, and how sales at his shop in Harajuku and for his albums had never been better. And now they were going to build a museum and charge people who knows how much to get in and walk among his personal belongings, buying crappy, overpriced souvenirs? Hide was three months dead, and the record label was still cashing in.

Yoshiki sighs. "Ama-chan-"

I slap my hand down on the counter, cutting him off. "Don't...you ever...call me that again," I say slowly, my voice dripping ice.

"Amanda," Yoshiki continues, correcting himself. "This is a good thing."

"It isn't. They're profiting on his death! He's more useful to them dead than he was alive!"

"Well, it's been decided, so there's nothing you can do about it anyway. The only thing we can do is cooperate. It's not like we're using his things, they're just taking up space. And I doubt they'll want absolutely everything, anyway, so we can still keep some things."

I make a disgusted noise and down the glass of water.

"Even if you do disapprove, it's not like you can confront anyone about it. You don't exist, remember?"

This was true. Hide had tried so hard to hide my existence from the Japanese media, for my own protection. It'd be stupid to reveal myself now, especially since everyone was still obsessed with him over there.

"Fine," I say, though it couldn't be less fine. "But I'm not helping you."

 

I was true to my word. I didn't help Yoshiki at all with unpacking and organizing Hide's belongings to send to Japan. Not that he needed my help. He was on the phone constantly with Haruka and Hiroshi, comparing what they were contributing and making lists of what they each had. He also was in contact with the people in charge of creating the museum, contributing his own ideas to the project, a fact that confused and slightly sickened me. You would think that he'd be upset with the obvious exploitation of his dead best friend. But he seemed almost excited about it.

"Amanda, I need your help with something."

"That's nice. I'm trying to read." I don't look up from the baby book I finally made myself go and buy.

Yoshiki reaches over and pulls down the book away from my face so I have to look at him. "Do you know where Hide's 'Electric Cucumber' costume is?"

"What for?"

"The museum wants a costume from every video he ever made, and we have all of them except for that one. Did he keep it?"

"Yes, he kept it."

"Where is it?"  
"I told you I'm not helping you."

"Come on, Amanda. You've had weeks to get used to this, and I haven't asked you for your help in one single aspect of it. I'm not asking you to get it, I'm just asking you if you know where it is. You can at least answer my question." Yoshiki folds his arms impatiently.

I sigh in defeat. "Fine. Yes, I know where it is. But I'll have to go get it, because it's in the 'Love Box'."

Yoshiki looks puzzled. "Why is it in there?"  
"Yoshiki, that whole song is about kinky sex. Do you really think that he wouldn't use that leather outfit for something other than shooting a video?"

"Actually, I'd rather not think about it."

I stand up. "I'll go get it. But this is the only help I'm giving you. I still hate this museum shit."

I walk up the stairs and into the spare room. Boxes are open and strewn around, the result of Yoshiki finding and sending out things as they were asked for by the museum. One of the few that was untouched was the 'Love Box'.

I move the box that's on top and kneel down to open the 'Love Box'. The costume is right on top, next to the one I sometimes wore. I lift it out and put it on my lap to look at it. The leather glistens in the light and my fingers slip easily over the surface. Damn, he looked so sexy in this. All this shiny leather clinging tightly to his thin frame...he would have barely put it on before I was ripping it off of him again.

I clutch the outfit to me as a pulse of pain hits my chest. All the memories and emotion I have that's connected with these clothes, and they're destined to be put on a mannequin in a glass case forevermore. The people looking at them will have no idea of the stories behind them. It wasn't right. I couldn't give these up.

Deciding, I put the clothes back in the box and close it. I'll have to buy a lock for it, because I can guarantee that Yoshiki will brave the "Love Box" to come and get them once he finds out I'm not giving them up.

"Yoshiki," I call as I come back down the stairs. "I'm not giving them to you. That costume is mine, and that's final. I don't want to talk about it again."

Yoshiki's about to protest, but I walk right past him and shut the door to the living room in his face, getting back to my book.

Later I find out that they had a replica of the costume made for the museum. I didn't care, at least I had the original.

 

 


	10. I'll Protect You From Everything

_Dammit!" Hide said as the skies opened and it started to pour rain._  
"I told you it was going to rain," I said. "The clouds have been getting darker all day."  
Hide slumped in his seat. "But I was looking forward to this."  
We were in the parking lot at Santa Monica Pier, watching people running for cover from the downpour through the windshield. There was supposed to be a big fireworks show to celebrate the first day of summer, and we had planned to go sit on the beach and watch it while eating a picnic dinner I made.  
"Well, I guess this plan's ruined," I said.  
"Maybe the rain will stop soon," Hide said hopefully.  
I turned on the radio and switched to the news station. Luckily, they were just giving a brief weather report.  
"....heavy rains will continue until early morning, with skies becoming partly cloudy for most of tomorrow..."  
I switched the radio off again. "Looks like it won't. Well, we can have a picnic in the car."  
"No, I have a better idea," Hide said. "Let's go back to my place."  
I turned and stared at him. "What?"  
"Yeah, and I can show you one of those scary Japanese movies I told you about."  
"Oh. Okay." I felt relieved and a little disappointed that Hide hadn't meant what I thought he meant.  


 _"So, what do you think?" Hide was standing in his living room. Well, what I think is his living room, anyway._  
"Um...it's...not what I expected." The front door had opened into a large room. Straight ahead of me was a hallway which led to the rest of the apartment, and I could see the kitchen through an open door. To my right was a table and four chairs set right on top of the carpet. Usually a dining room has hardwood floors, right? To my left was the most hideous couch I had ever seen, a kind of brownish-orange color, with a matching ottoman which obviously doubled as a coffee table. The television was placed directly on the floor, surrounded by videotapes and a PlayStation. In the other corner was a set of speakers hooked up to a blue and white guitar, which was sitting neatly in its holder. The room was all off-white; carpet, walls, ceiling. Breaking the monotony of the white was a few band posters on the wall, though these were few and far between.  
"Yeah, definitely not what I expected," I repeated.  
"What did you expect?" Hide asked, lighting a cigarette.  
I couldn't help but wrinkle my nose a little at the smell of the smoke, but it was his house. He could smoke if he wanted to. "Something a little more..."  
"Me?" he asked, smiling as he blew smoke out of his mouth.  
"Well, yes." This place screamed "bachelor". No part of Hide's personality was reflected in the decor at all.  
"I save all that for my place back in Tokyo," Hide explained. "I'm only here about a third of the time, so I didn't bother to really put much effort into things."  
I must admit, I was a little disappointed. I expected an enormous apartment full of expensive things for me to drool over, and everything painted in bright, mismatching colors. Oh well.  
"Also, I'm a pretty uncomplicated person. I like to keep things simple," Hide continued, walking over to the dining table and tapping his cigarette into the ashtray that sat on top. He then walked to the glass door behind the table and opened it, walking through onto the balcony.  
"What are you doing?" I asked. "You'll get all wet."  
"Finishing my cigarette," Hide said. "I know you hate the smell."  
My heart melted. "It's your house, you don't have to do that..."  
"It's fine." Hide dismissed my words with a wave of his hand. "I'm starving, though."  
"Me too." I place the cooler holding our dinner onto the table and start taking things out of it.  
"Wait," Hide said, throwing his cigarette over the balcony. "We're supposed to be having a picnic, right?"  
"Huh?"  
Hide came in and slid the door shut again. "You eat a picnic on a blanket, right? So let's do that." He left and walked down the hall out of sight.  
I had no idea what he was talking about, so I just went looking for some plates. His kitchen was as boring as the living room, off-white linoleum floor and oak cabinets. He didn't have that much in his cabinets, but I managed to find two large plates and some mismatched water glasses. I brought them back out to the table and found Hide standing there with some blankets and pillows in his arms.  
Hide walked in front of the TV and pushed the ottoman out of the way with his foot before dropping the blankets on the floor.  
"There, now we can have a picnic," he said.  
"Oh, so that's what you meant," I said. I went and helped him spread the blankets out and arrange the pillows into a pile.  
"What movie do you want to watch?" Hide asked, kneeling down and sifting through the pile of tapes.  
"How the hell would I know what to pick?" I brought the plates of food over to the blanket and set them down. "You pick for me."  
"Okay, this one. It's spooky." Hide held up a tape that had a picture of a ghostly-looking woman on it, with the title splashed across it in big red letters.  
"Ooo...squiggle line square squiggle, my favorite," I said, making fun of the fact that I couldn't read the title.  
Hide laughed and turned the TV on, putting the tape into the VCR. He grabbed the remote and scrambled on hands and knees to the blanket, plopping down next to me.  
"Here you go," I said, handing him a plate and a bottle of beer. "Nothing fancy, but it'll taste good." I had made chicken salad sandwiches and bought a bag of barbecue chips. Unfortunately, I couldn't really afford anything much fancier. The bread was homemade, though.  
"Looks good to me." Hide grinned and took a big bite of his sandwich. Chewing, he gave me a thumbs-up, then turned to the TV as the movie started.  
The movie, as Hide kindly translated for me, was called "The Temple of Demons". It was about a haunted Shinto temple in some remote Japanese village, and how people who went to pray there kept dying mysteriously. Hide helped me follow the story by summarizing and translating the dialogue. Even from the beginning, the movie had a very creepy atmosphere. What struck me the most was the lack of sound. There were a lot of long, silent pauses, which made me tense and wondering what would happen next. There wasn't even much of a soundtrack. I had never seen a movie so quiet before.  
At one point in the film, an empty rocking chair started to rock itself, which made me gasp out loud. Objects that weren't supposed to move by themselves moving by themselves had always freaked me out. Soon after, a man investigating the temple turned around while searching a room and was face-to-face with a faceless woman. 

_This pushed my nerves over the edge, and I let out a small scream. Without thinking, I buried my face in Hide's shoulder._  
"Are you okay?" Hide asked.  
"Turn it off. I don't want to watch it anymore," I mumbled, clinging to his shirt.  
"It's just a movie," he said, chuckling.  
I heard the man screaming in terror, and I could only imagine what was happening to him. I started to shake. "Please, Hide."  
"Alright." The screaming was suddenly cut off. Hide's arms wrapped around my shoulders. "I didn't think you'd be THAT scared."  
"It was that ghost. She had no face," I said, as if he hadn't been watching with me.  
"Well, that was kind of creepy, I must admit. But see, I told you Japanese movies were scarier."  
I nodded, then froze. I just fully realized that I was clinging to Hide, and he was holding me in his arms. Sure, it wasn't the first time his arms had been around me, but that was just a hug. He had never actually held me. I was too shocked to move.  
Hide pulled me a little closer to him, and I could feel him laying his cheek against the top of my head. My heart started to beat faster, and I was certain he could feel it. Hopefully he'd attribute it to fear and not nervousness.  
"I turned it off. It's okay now."  
I sat up. Hide's arms slid from my shoulders, but he didn't let go of me. Instead, they fell to my waist.  
I looked at him. The blue light from the television made his eyes shine as he looked steadily back at me. He leaned forward until our foreheads were touching. I didn't move. I didn't even breathe.  
"Don't worry," he whispered. "I'll protect you from the ghosts. I'll protect you from everything."  
Then he kissed me. Hide's lips moved slowly over mine, and I responded with the same gentleness. My arms went around his neck and my fingers slid into his hair. His tongue gently touched my lips, and I opened to him. His tongue started stroking my own, still at that slow, gentle pace. He had never kissed me like this before. He hadn't been lying at the drive-in.  
His arms squeezed a little tighter around me and I felt him start to move, taking me with him. I broke the kiss to find that he had ended up leaning back against the pillows, causing me to lay over his body. Hide took the opportunity to move my hair from my face and start suckling on my neck, occasionally biting down gently, causing me to shiver. Love bites may be ugly to look at, but they're oh so good to get.  
I let go of his neck, ran my hands over his shoulders and down his chest, and slid my fingers underneath his shirt, caressing the smooth skin I found there. I could feel his skin flinch with the light touch of my fingertips.  
Hide sat up, causing me to slide down between his legs. His lips and tongue still caressing the skin on my neck and collarbone, he slid his hands down my sides and started to pull up on my shirt.  
I let go of him just long enough to allow him to whip the shirt off of me, then clung to him again. I started to trail soft kisses down his neck, delighting in the unique taste of his skin. I bit down on the juncture between his neck and shoulder, eliciting a shuddering intake of breath from him and making sure there'd be a mark there in the morning.  
Hide slowly stroked up and down my back, running his fingers teasingly over my bra straps before playfully snapping one. I laughed, that soft giggle that one only hears in the bedroom.  
"Need help?" I asked, smiling.  
Hide kissed my cheek, and I could feel his smile against my face. "Of course not," he whispered, then in one swift movement, unhooked my bra and let it fall from my shoulders. He sat back to better admire the view, then looked up at me. The sheer lust in his eyes was enough to make another warm rush flow through my body and settle in my stomach.  
"They don't make them like that in Japan," he said with a sexy smirk, before taking my breasts in his hands and starting to slowly massage them.  
I started to giggle again, but my laughter soon turned into a gasp as he took one of my nipples in his mouth. His tongue flicked across it, and I could feel it growing rock-hard between his lips. I threw my head back in pleasure as he clamped his teeth down around it and pulled slightly. My hands, which were on his shoulders, clenched so my nails dug into his shirt. Why was that still on?  
Hide moved to start giving attention to my other breast, and as he did so, he gently pushed me backward until I was laying flat on the blanket. His head lowered as he started kissing down my body, leaving a trail of light kisses and licks.  
My body arched up to meet his lips. My breathing had started to get louder and faster. Not knowing what else to do, since I couldn't really reach him from his current position, I had placed my arms up near my head, and I buried my face in the crook of my elbow, moaning softly as his tongue dipped into my navel.  
Hide continued to tease, kissing across the waistline of my jeans before reaching up and unbuttoning them, unzipping the zipper agonizingly slowly. I thrust my hips up, urging him to go faster. Once they were unzipped, he curled his fingers through the belt loops and started pulling them down, still going way too slow.  
"Hurry up," I said, a little impatient.  
Hide chuckled low in his throat, and I swear to God it was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard. "So impatient, Amanda. The longer you wait, the sweeter it'll be, you know."  
"I don't care." I watched him toss my jeans to the side. "I want you."  
"Do you now?" He raised an eyebrow at me, a small smile on his face. "How much?"  
I sat up and grabbed his shoulders, pulling him down on top of me and kissing him hungrily. I felt a thrill run through my body as I felt his erection pressed against me. But there were too many clothes in the way. I started yanking on his shirt, attempting to pull it up over his head, but to my surprise I felt him hesitate. I pushed him away a little so I could look at him.  
"What's wrong?" I asked.  
"Nothing," he said. "I just want to turn the TV off first." He reached an arm out and started groping for the remote control.  
That struck me as odd. Why worry about the television when you have a nearly naked woman underneath you? But then I realized something: if the TV was off, it'd be pitch black. He didn't want me to see him.  
I reached out and grabbed his wrist. "No, leave it on."  
"No really, it's distracting." Hide tried to shake my arm off.  
"Hide, what are you afraid of? Why don't you want me to see you?"  
He stopped trying to grab the remote and sat back on his heels. "I'm just...uncomfortable showing my body to people."  
"Why?"  
"I just...am." And he actually did look really uncomfortable. It was odd seeing an insecure expression on his face.  
"Hide," I said soothingly. "I want to see you. Please."  
Hide looked at me for a long moment, then sighed. He seemed to steel himself, then took his shirt off.  
I had expected something shocking, like scars, a ton of hair, a third nipple, something weird like that. But I didn't see any of those things. Now that he was shirtless, I could fully appreciate how thin he was. He wasn't too thin; I couldn't see any bones showing or anything, but he was still pretty skinny. His skin was pale and glowing in the light, his nipples only slightly darker then the rest of him, and a few freckles were scattered here and there. The only real muscle tone that I could see was in his arms, obviously from playing guitar.  
I sat up and laid my hands on his chest. He did have muscle, just that you couldn't see it. His flesh was nice and firm, and probably a few weeks in the gym would make pecs and abs start to appear.  
Hide's body was tense, and he wasn't looking at me. He was still nervous. I leaned in and laid a gentle kiss on his breastbone.  
"Hide, you're so stupid," I whispered against his skin. "You're beautiful." I stroked my hands up and down his chest, and soon I could feel him relax under my hands. I lifted my head and kissed him.  
"Now," I said, reaching down and yanking on his pants. "Take these off too."  
Hide's pants soon joined the growing pile of clothes, our underwear quickly following after. We sat back to admire each other's naked bodies for the first time.  
I have to admit, my eyes went straight to what lay between his legs. But come on, whose wouldn't? The first thing I noticed was that he wasn't fully erect yet, but I would remedy that soon. The second thing I noticed was that he broke the Asian stereotype. I have seen a few cocks in my time (though not a lot; I'm not a whore, after all), and while he wasn't the largest I had ever seen, he certainly wasn't small. The last thing I noticed was that he was uncircumcised, which I had never seen before. A lot of times I've heard people talking about uncircumcised penises with disgust in their voice, like they were horrifyingly ugly or something (but let's face it, genitals were made to be used, not to look at). But I didn't think so. In fact, I thought it looked a lot more natural.  
I wondered if it felt any different. I reached out and gently touched his shaft. It felt softer than the other cocks I had wrapped my hand around, which was probably because his foreskin wasn't pulled completely taut and had some give to it. I wrapped my fingers around him and pulled on it experimentally, pulling the foreskin up until it covered the edge of the head of his cock. It twitched in my hand.  
Hide's breath came out in a rush. "Amanda..."  
I let my fingers wander, touching every inch of his cock with light strokes, which I knew would drive him crazy. Hide proved me right by suddenly shoving me backwards, his mouth on mine, our bodies pressed together. 

_Still kissing me, his hand slid between our bodies and stroked me once between my legs. I gasped into his mouth. Hide's fingers wandered much like mine had, with soft touches all over my most intimate place. My body started to smolder, and when his fingers found my clit and pressed, a bolt of pleasure ran through me. He worked my clit in small circles, and soon I was panting beneath him._  
When he slid a finger inside of me, he found me already dripping wet. He moved it around a little, stroking inside of me, until he hit that sweet bundle of nerves that made my body jump and a moan fall from my mouth. He inserted another finger and kept touching it, first stroking and then tapping, until I was writhing like a snake.  
"Hide," I managed to gasp. "Please."  
Hide removed his hand and started to position himself to enter me, but then stopped.  
"Shit!" he exclaimed. He then pushed himself to his feet and ran down the hallway. I barely had enough time to wonder what the hell he was doing before he was back, holding something in his hand. He threw himself down on the blankets.  
"Good thing I still have some," he said. He opened his hand and I saw a condom. Thank God he had remembered, because I sure as hell didn't. He hastily ripped open the package, rolled the condom onto himself, and settled between my legs again. He bent down to kiss me as he slowly slid into me.  
I gasped a little as he went in. It had been a while since I last had sex. He paused, stroking my thighs and hips, waiting for me to get used to him, then started to move.  
I'm not exaggerating when I say I was in heaven. I had dreamed about this for a long time; Hide holding me in his arms, our bodies connected in the most intimate way two people can be connected. Now it was happening, and if time had stopped, I wouldn't have minded in the least.  
He started off with slow, gentle thrusts, still lavishing my lips with kisses, my arms around his neck. Soon, the pleasure started to build in my loins, and my hips started to involuntarily move in the rhythm he had created. Hide lifted himself off of me, holding himself up with his arms until only our lower bodies touched. He started to thrust faster, and the new angle caused him to hit my G-spot, which made me cry out. The pleasure rose faster and faster up through my body, and my hands, scrambling for something to hold, ended up twisting in the blankets underneath me. The sound of Hide hissing between his teeth, his hips snapping against mine, and my own pants and gasps filled the room.  
Hide suddenly started to move even faster, at an almost impossible speed, until his hips broke from their rhythm, jerking sporadically as his climax hit him, heavy sighs spilling from his lips. Even after his release, he kept thrusting and reached down between my legs, pressing my clit with his thumb.  
I was already on the edge, and that final touch pushed me over. My back arched as my orgasm broke over me in waves, every nerve flooded with pleasure. My entire body was taut, my thighs shaking, my toes curled as my breath caught in my throat, and for a second I saw stars. A long, low moan escaped me as I came back down to Earth.  
Hide collapsed on top of me in exhaustion. My arms wrapped around him, my hands slipping a little on his back slick with sweat. I nuzzled his neck, inhaling that musky, intoxicating scent of a satisfied man.  
We lay there for a while, wrapped up in each other, until Hide lifted his head from where he had laid it on my chest and kissed me deeply, silently conveying all the satisfaction and contentment he felt. He then pulled out from me, ripping the condom off with a snap and tossing it somewhere before laying back down again at my side.  
I immediately scooted over and snuggled against him, throwing one arm across his chest, one leg over his hips and pulling him as close as I could against me. His arm wound around my waist, cradling me to him. I sighed contentedly, Hide's hand stroking my hair soon putting me to sleep.

 


	11. Aishiteru

_A shrill, mechanical screaming jerked me out of a deep sleep and made me jump straight up into the air. Once I remembered where I was (on Hide's living room floor), I looked around and saw smoke coming out from his kitchen door._

_"Hide?" I shouted, running into the kitchen. Hide waved a magazine frantically back and forth underneath the smoke detector, trying to clear the smoke so it would turn off. A moment later, he succeeded._

_"What are you doing?" I asked, waving smoke away from my face._

_"Making toast," he said, pointing to the sink. There was toaster lying in the sink with a large dent in its side. "I was making toast, and then all of a sudden it caught on fire, so I threw it in the sink and turned the water on."_

_"And now you have a broken toaster," I said, walking over and unplugging the toaster from the wall._

_Hide shrugged. "I don't really use it, anyway."_

_I groaned and rubbed my eyes. "Talk about a wake-up call."_

_"I'll say," Hide said, eying me appreciatively. "And good morning to you, too."_

_I looked down at myself and realized I was still completely naked. I felt my face flush and started to turn away._

_Hide took my hand and pulled me to him, sliding his arms around my waist. "I didn't think it was possible, but you look even more beautiful in the daylight," he said before kissing me._

_I giggled against his lips and kissed him back, pressing into him. I could tell he was completely awake, if you catch my drift._

_"Want to join me in the shower?" I whispered._

_"As tempting as that is, Ama-chan, if I do that I'll probably miss my flight."_

_"Oh, right." I had completely forgotten that Hide would be leaving for Japan in a few hours._

_"Plus, I already took one," Hide said. Then he grinned. "But maybe you should, because you still kind of smell like me."_

_I pushed away from him in pretend disgust. "Ew, who would want to smell like you?" I turned to get my clothes from wherever they were thrown, sticking my tongue out at him over my shoulder as I went._

_He responded by smacking me lightly on the butt and laughing at my exaggerated shriek. "Put that tongue away or put it to better use," he said._

_I laughed at him as I walked down the hall towards the bathroom. I quickly showered and dressed, then came back to find Hide putting a few final things in his giant suitcase, which was neon orange._

_"Now that's more you," I remarked._

_"It makes it easier to see, anyway," Hide said, zipping up the case._

_Seeing the suitcase suddenly made me really sad. "Hide, I don't want you to go," I said._

_He looked at me a moment, his eyes soft. "Come here," he said, opening his arms._

_I practically ran across the room and into his arms, which was quickly becoming my favorite place to be. And now I wouldn't be able to be there for months._

_"I'm sorry," I said, burying my face into his neck. "But I've just fully realized how much I'll miss you."_

_Hide just silently held me, twisting the ends of my hair through his fingers. After a moment he said, "Come with me."_

_I jerked my head up to stare at him. "What?"_

_"Come with me. We have a few hours, we can go to your house and you can grab some things, then-"_

_"Hide, I can't," I interrupted. "I can't just drop everything and leave. I have a job, I have bills to pay. I can't afford to fly off to another country just like that."_

_"You wouldn't have to worry about money or anything. I'd take care of all that."_

_I shook my head. "I can't impose on you like that. As much as I'd love to go with you, I can't. And you can't stay, so...I'll just have to learn to deal. I'm sorry I even brought it up."_

_Hide patted the top of my head and grinned. "I forgive you."_

_I smiled and glanced over at the clock on his VCR. "We should probably get going, though. It's almost 9:30."_

_"But the flight's not until noon."_

_"This is L.A., remember. We might be pushing it as it is."_

 

_A few moments later, we were in my car on the way to the airport. We sat in silence for a while while I struggled not to think about Hide leaving and to concentrate on the road. I kept having to bite my lip so I wouldn't start to cry._

_"This is going to really suck," Hide said._

_"What is?" I asked._

_"Flying. I absolutely hate it."_

_"Why?"_

_"It scares the shit out of me, that's why. Usually I get trashed and fall asleep so it will go by faster. I'm going to spend all day up in the air, going over miles and miles of open ocean..." Hide shivered. "Just thinking about it creeps me out."_

_"Well, I don't know what to tell you, since I've never been in an airplane. Is it really that scary?" I asked._

_"I certainly think so. I mean, airplanes are really, really heavy. How the hell can they stay up in the air? I keep expecting it to fall out of the sky or something."_

_"Great, now I'm going to worry that your plane's going to crash," I said, frowning._

_"Sorry." Hide looked out the window up at an airplane, scrunching his nose at it._

_"But aren't like, your chances of getting hit by lightning greater than your chances of being in a plane crash? So unless you've been hit by lightning, you don't need to worry," I reasoned._

_"Really? Well, that is comforting, since I've never been hit by lightning."_

 

_Because of the horrible traffic, we arrived at the airport at 11:30, giving Hide only half an hour to catch his flight._

_"I hope you don't miss it," I said as I pulled into the drop-off lane and parked._

_"I'll run if I have to. Don't worry, they won't take off without their most important passenger."_

_I laughed, but could feel that the laughter would quickly turn into something else. I quickly got out of the car and went back to the trunk so Hide wouldn't see. He met me there and we took his suitcase out of the trunk. There was a brief silence between us, during which I looked everywhere but at him._

_"Amanda," Hide finally said softly._

_That did it. I burst into tears and clung to him. If I was reacting this badly when he was still here, how in hell would I survive without him?_

_Hide kissed the top of my head. "For the first time ever, I don't want to go home."_

_I couldn't say anything. I just squeezed him tighter._

_"I'll call you every day. Five times a day, if you want," he said soothingly._

_I shook my head. "You can't do that. You'll be too busy," I managed to choke out._

_Hide took my face between his hands, wiping the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. "I'll never be too busy for that." He kissed me gently. "Aishiteru."_

_I sniffed. "What does that mean?"_

_Hide smiled and winked at me. "Figure it out. See you." He let go of me and grabbed his suitcase. He then turned and started walking towards the glass doors._

_I stood there, fighting the urge to run after him. He turned and waved to me when he got to the doors, then again once he was inside. I watched him until I couldn't see him anymore, wanting to delay the moment where I had to accept he was gone. Only a car honking angrily at me brought me back to myself._

 

I'm sitting in the waiting room, on page seven of the sizable stack of forms I've been given. This is so fucking stupid. How am I supposed to know if I have a family history of diabetes when I don't even know who my father is? And why do they need to know that, anyway?

I hear a soft laugh and look up. Sitting across from me is a young couple holding hands. The woman is obviously much further along than me. I hope I don't get that big.

I place my hand across my stomach to feel the slight bulge that has developed there for what seems like the thousandth time. The fact that I now had a visible baby bump, plus the fact that my bra was becoming too small even on the furthest row of hooks, was what had made me finally make an appointment with an obstetrician. That, and Yoshiki and Haruka had been nagging me about it incessantly.

The couple across from me share a quick kiss. My heart clenches and I quickly look back down at the form, biting my lip. That should be Hide and I. He should be here next to me, unable to keep still in his excitement over soon getting to see his baby for the first time.

Trying not to think about that, I go back to the forms. Frustrated, I just check “no” for the rest of the questions. Its not like I know the answers anyway. I get up and give the forms back to the receptionist and a few minutes later, my name is called.

I'm led into the exam room by a nurse, who instructs me to sit on what looks almost like a dentist chair, but with stirrups. She gives me the usual once-over (I've gained seven pounds, yikes), then tells me to change into the hospital gown that's sitting on the chair and to wait for the doctor. She then leaves.

As I'm changing, I look around the room. There's a sink and some shelves over in one corner. Against the back wall is what looks like a television on wheels, which I'm guessing is the ultrasound machine. In the middle of the room is a rolling stool and a little cart full of random instruments, including a speculum. Great, a pelvic exam is coming.

There are some posters on the wall, including one with illustrations of the different fetal stages of development. The three month one looks kind of like an alien.

There's a knock on the door and the doctor comes in. She is middle-aged, with shoulder-length gray hair and wire frame glasses.

“Hello, Amanda. My name is Dr. Peakall.” She reaches out her hand for me to shake. “How are you today?”

“Pregnant,” I answer, shaking her hand.

Dr. Peakall laughs. “Most women I see are,” she says. She sits down on the stool and looks at her clipboard, clicking a pen. “Now, we're going to start with a few questions. Do you have a general idea of how far along you are?”

“Three months and six days,” I answer promptly.

Dr. Peakall writes down my answer, her left eyebrow raised slightly. “You seem so sure about the date of conception.”

“I'm one hundred percent sure. I can even give you the time.”

“That won't be necessary. Now, is this your first pregnancy?”  
“Yes.”

“And you're 28, correct?”

I nod, a little impatient. She's basically asking me things I already wrote on the stupid forms.

“Have you experienced any nausea or vomiting? In other words, morning sickness?”

“I have. It was really bad a few weeks ago, the puking. But it's gotten better lately. I still feel queasy sometimes, though.”

Dr. Peakall nods. “That's normal. I wouldn't be surprised if you had at least some nausea during your entire pregnancy.”  
I sigh. “Perfect.”

“Any fatigue or aching?”

“A little bit. But I'm not entirely sure that's all from being pregnant.”

Dr. Peakall puts down her clipboard and looks at me. “Judging from your mood, I'm guessing that you're unsure about the pregnancy. Was it unplanned?”

I stare at her. Was it really that obvious? “Yes, but how did you know?”

“Well, for one you're not acting like a happy mother-to-be. Most women who have been actively trying for a baby are a lot more enthusiastic. And the fact that you've waited so long to make an appointment. Are you still not sure you want this baby?”

I bite my lip and don't answer for a while, before silently nodding. I feel a little ashamed about admitting it to a stranger, especially one who's job it is to take care of babies.

Dr. Peakall reaches over and pats my knee. “It's alright, dear. It's perfectly normal to have some misgivings about having a child, especially if it was unplanned. Maybe seeing your baby in a few minutes will make you feel better.”

I swallow. She has no idea how I don't want that to happen.

Dr. Peakall asks me a few more questions, followed by a pelvic exam and some blood being drawn. She then pushes my hospital gown up to uncover my stomach, putting a blanket over my legs so I'm covered from the waist down. She pulls over the ultrasound machine and starts preparing the wand.

“Are you ready to meet your baby?” she asks in a cheerful voice.

“Not really,” I say truthfully, realizing how awful that sounds.

“Now now, you'll change your mind once you see it,” Dr. Peakall admonishes gently. “This will be a little cold,” she warns as she squirts some clear gel on my stomach.

I gasp a little as she spreads it around with the wand. It is cold. I look at the screen and see nothing but a lot of grey.

“Now, try to keep as still as possible.” Dr. Peakall says as she stares at the screen. She slowly moves the wand around and around on my stomach. The grey keeps changing shades, until all of a sudden there's a black space and a quick profile of something.

“Aha! There it is!” Dr. Peakall exclaims and she moves the wand backward more slowly until the black area comes back, with a perfect profile of the baby.

“Let's see...the baby's about 50 millimeters crown-to-rump length. So you're right, about three months along! So, as you can see, its head is here...”

I'm speechless as she's talking. I can hardly hear what she's saying. My eyes are fixed on the screen. The baby is pretty much all there and looks like a normal baby. There's its nose and lips. I see a little tiny fist next to its face. I can see its skeleton, kind of like an X-ray. There's a little blurry movement in its chest, which Dr. Peakall tells me is its heart. She turns on the sound and the sound of its heartbeat fills the room.

“Everything looks great, dear,” Dr. Peakall says. “You have a perfectly normal, healthy baby. You should be proud.”

My eyes start to water and before I can blink back the tears they're falling. I'm sad and happy and overwhelmed and awed all at the same time. I can't believe that a human being is growing inside me. I can't believe it's alive and moving, already opening and closing its mouth like a nursing baby does. And I can't believe Hide's not here to see it.

 

 


	12. I Love You

_Hide had been gone for almost a month now, and I was sure I'd go insane by next week. I missed him so much, it was painful. Like my heart was breaking. The only thing that kept me going was his daily phone calls: one at noon (1 AM for him) and one at midnight (1 PM for him). I scheduled my day around his phone calls. I would be depressed, and then the sound of his voice would make me feel that all was right with the world. At least until he hung up._

_He always ended our conversations by saying “aishiteru” again, but still refused to tell me what it meant. And I had no way of looking it up, because I didn't know how to spell it. It was getting kind of annoying._

_Jenn had noticed my moping and had gotten tired of it, so she insisted we go out to dinner together. We ended up at a little Italian place, and the dinner was a little awkward and silent. She had forbidden me from talking about Hide, but what else was there to talk about, really?_

_I was about halfway through my plate of shrimp scampi when I heard my name being called. I looked up and saw Paul and Steve walking towards our table._

_“Hey guys!” I said, waving them over with a smile on my face. I was happy to see Paul. Steve, however, was a different story._

_“Thousands of restaurants in L.A., and we manage to go to the one that you're in,” Paul said. “It must be fate, love.”_

_I laughed. “Jenn, this is Paul and Steve. They're members of Hide's band.”_

_“Nice to meet you,” Jenn said, shaking their hands. I saw Steve look her over appreciatively. Good, maybe he'd leave me alone for once._

_“Sit down, guys,” I said, scooting over. Unfortunately, Steve quickly slid in next to me before Paul had the chance to. Damn._

_Paul quickly waved over the waitress and ordered some spaghetti and a bottle of their “finest, cheapest wine” for him and Steve to share._

_“So, how ya been?” Paul asked as he poured some wine into his glass._

_“I've been okay, I guess,” I said, sighing a little. “Feeling a little down, you know.”_

_“Yeah, I know. I miss him too,” Paul said. “Especially since we've hit a roadblock on a song we're writing and he usually fixes those. Kind of hard to do so on the phone. You should tell him to get his ass back over here.”_

_“I do. Everyday.” I looked down and stabbed a piece of shrimp with my fork._

_Jenn cleared her throat. “So, you're from England, right?” she asked, addressing Paul. “When did you move here?”_

_Paul launched into his life story, while I only half-listened and just swirled my noodles around my fork over and over, no longer hungry. Seeing the guys just made me miss Hide more. And Steve wasn't helping things._

_Steve moved closer to me and said in a low voice, “Are you really okay?”_

_“Yes Steve, I'm fine. I'll live,” I said shortly, wishing he'd get away. I glanced over at Paul and Jenn but apparently the conversation they were having was extremely interesting and they didn't notice anything._

_Steve leaned closer and I could smell the alcohol on his breath. Apparently he had drunk a lot more than the wine they had just started._

_“Because you know, if you're feeling down, I'm here to make you feel better.” Steve_

_leaned closer and I had no idea what he was going to do, but I didn't want to find out._

_“Steve, back off,” I hissed. “Or I'll tell Hide, and he'll beat the shit out of you for what you're doing.”_

_“That skinny little Jap?” Steve snorted. “I'd snap him in half before he knew what hit him.” And he grabbed my arm._

_“Get the FUCK away from me!” I shouted, wrenching my arm out of his grasp and standing up. The restaurant went silent._

_“Steve, what the hell?” Paul said, also standing._

_“Why do you like him!? That makeup-wearing, pink-haired yellow faggot! He's not a man at all! I'm twice the man he'll ever be! Why the fuck does he get you?”_

_Steve was screaming, standing up and knocking over his wine glass in the process. Everyone was staring at us, Jenn's face was turning red and she looked down at her lap. I just stared at Steve in disbelief. I knew he was into me, but this was too much._

_“Jealous much?” I retorted, folding my arms to stop myself from slapping Steve across the face._

_Steve lunged towards me, but Paul grabbed onto his shirt collar and pulled him back._

_“Steve, shut your goddamn mouth!” Paul shouted._

_A waiter came running across the restaurant. “Excuse me, sir, but I'm going to have to ask you two to leave. You're being extremely rude and disruptive to everyone.”_

_“We're leaving. I apologize for this idiot,” Paul said, scowling at Steve. He dug into his pocket and put some money on the table to pay for his food and wine._

_“Come on, you piece of shit.” Paul dragged Steve across the restaurant._

_“You'll be sorry! When he can't satisfy you, you'll come crying to me!” Steve shouted as he was led away._

_“Don't worry, sweetheart, he satisfies me plenty,” I said, giving Steve a sarcastic little wave. I sat back down as they disappeared and looked at Jenn, who was hiding her face in her hands._

_“Well, that was interesting,” I said with a false cheerfulness._

_“Jesus...can we leave now?” Jenn asked._

_“Totally,” I answered, and waved the waitress over for our check._

 

_I got home around 10:30, which meant I had some time to kill before Hide called. He was always on time. However, the phone rang just a few minutes later._

_“Hey, it's Paul,” I heard when I picked up._

_“Oh, hi,” I said, disappointed that it wasn't Hide. “Um, not that I really mind, but how did you get my number?”  
“Hide gave it to me, so I could check up on you. I just haven't yet.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“Hey, I'm really sorry about what happened with Steve. He's been such an asshole lately. That's not the first time he's talked shit about Hide, he really hates him for some reason.”  
“Yeah, because of me. I think he's been into me since I showed up.”_

_“Yeah, we've noticed. Hide has too, which would explain why he's been impatient with him. I'm so close to asking to get rid of him though, he's just fucking up everything. And it's not like we really need him, since Hide has the best guitar skills out of all of us anyway.”_

_“Yeah, I've wondered what the point of having three guitars was, anyway.”  
“So, are you okay?”_

_“Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry, I've had scarier drunken fights in my life,” I said, laughing slightly._

_“Okay. Well take care, love.”_

_“I will, mate,” I said, making fun of his British slang._

_“That's Australian, you stupid Yank,” Paul said, purposefully making his accent thicker and laughing._

_“Same difference. Talk to you later.”_

_“Yep. Bye.” Paul hung up._

_I hang up and decide to wash the floor and do the dishes while I wait for Hide to call. I finish with five minutes to spare and spend those last minutes staring at the clock. I know, I've gotten a little obsessive._

_The phone rings promptly at midnight, and I pick it up before the first ring ends._

_“Haha, you're so cute,” Hide laughs, and immediately all my tension is gone. “What, were you waiting by the phone?” His voice sounds a little faint, further driving home the realization of the distance between us.  
“Yes,” I said, giggling. _

_“Crazy. How are you? Anything interesting happen since last time we talked?”_

_I hesitate, then decide not to tell him about my fight with Steve. I didn't want to upset him when he was so busy. “Nope, not really. Just missing you.”_

_“Yeah, I miss you too. A lot. You're on my mind almost all the time, actually. It's really distracting.” I could hear the mischievous grin on his face._

_“I mean, I really, really miss you. I don't think I'll survive much longer without you here.” I know it sounded really stupid, but it's really how I felt._

_“Really?” Hide's tone turned more serious. “Well, since you're that upset about it, and I'm bothered by it as well, there's only one thing to do.”_

_“What?” I asked._

_“You're coming here. And I won't take no for an answer. You've got two days to finish up any assignments and pack. I'm buying the plane ticket, I'll take care of everything you need over here. You need to be here, that's the only solution.”_

_“Hide, I...” I started to say._

_“No excuses. You need to see me. I can't leave yet. And I need you here.”_

_My heart swelled with those words. “You do?”_

_“Of course. You got a passport?”_

_“Yes.” I had gotten one last year when an assignment had sent me to Mexico._

_“Good. Well, I have to go. Have a good night, and I'll see you in three days. Aishiteru.”_

_The fact that I'd get to see him so soon made it hard to breathe. I even forgot to complain about that mystery word. “Goodbye, Hide.”_

_“Bye, Ama-chan.” Hide hung up._

_“I love you,” I said to the dial tone. I didn't have the guts to say it to him yet._

 


End file.
